The Darling Buds of June Read Online Free PDF Page A

great success, and after we
have done the necessary work, we will hopefully get funding to buy
a snazzy top of the range mini bus to take tourists who want to
scuba dive and see an authentic ‘underwater’ village in Wakespeare
Country … with ‘real skeletons!’
    Real ‘bone’
should add interest, and maybe even attract ghouls, collectors of
gold and jewellery (a temporary attraction, at extra cost), medical
people, and even trainee surgeons who are unsatisfied with glossy
diagrams or rubber people. Of course, there would be a problem with
the flooding of the village, but a proposal by Henry (52), a
gardener, solved this seemingly unsolvable riddle. This idea was so
good, that Lucy (72), donated her raffle prize of a very small box
of Swiss chocolates with chocolate flavouring to Henry, and
Chairman Ken (68), gave another ‘Well done!’ piece of voiced praise
to Him.
    He ate the
chocolates straight away, while explaining that ‘if he took them
home, the wife would make him give them to the dog (he loves
chocolate and hates his dog, a black Labrador called … Chocolate
(the irony is, the dog is ‘real’ chocolate). Surely his wife is to
blame and in need of a bollocking and not the dog? We didn’t vote
on this as it remained a thought in my head … much safer there.
Henry’s proposal was this (unanimously passed by the way).
    We FAT Bs are
going to buy 15 garden hoses and fifteen sets of overalls (petty
cash limit), and our sewing and tapestry expert is then going to
make fifteen iron on badges, as they would take her ages to sew on.
We, the fifteen, are then off to Studley to door knock, and offer
ourselves out as garden waterers called ‘Hoseban Waterers’, a group
of plant loving rebel horticulturalists who hate hosepipe bans, and
think that plants and grass should have rights, especially in a
heat wave. Then, all we need do is persuade fifteen people to hire
us. Once hired, we explain that we have to work under the cloak of
darkness so as not to be detected by snooping ‘hosepipe ban immune’
Studley officials. The rest is easy.
    We leave the
pipes running, and then run to the village outskirts and wait. Hey
presto! At Sun up, we have a lake! If there are any stray bodies
floating around the edge, we will simply take them home, remove any
valuables, and then bury them in the Gillian Wakespeare plot. I
must say, it’s a genius plot.”
     
    HERE LIES OUR
GILLIAN, THE BARDESS OF ALCESTER UPON ARROW. And her husband Stan
Stashaway.
    (And a few bods
from Studloooy) .
     
    … If only we
had a headstone eh?!
     
    ***
     
    But Someone
Must Have Blabbed!
     
    “After the
great petty expense of buying hosepipes and overalls, and driving
to Studley, the residents flatly refused to let us use their taps.
Another plan was needed, so, we had our monthly meeting a week
early.
    Claude (68),
came up with the bright idea that we’d been wasting our time
anyway, as the special scuba minibus with LCD screens and our own
scuba diving movies playing, in which we hoped to ferry divers, may
break down or something, and then we’d be stuck (it was a pity,
because another Gertie (79), had always wanted to be one of those
bus tour guides with a mic). Mix that with the fact that if we got
caught on the main road with no tax disc, and the driver Linda with
no driving licence, we could attract some really bad publicity, and
lose any chance of a fat grant. This attracted some agreeable nods
of heads and grunts. We needed another plan. Claude then mentioned
Oversley Green, a very nearby money honey pot.
    We do sometimes
allow the residents of Oversley Green to walk our streets and shop,
but only under supervision, as being stinking rich and therefore
without a care in the world coupled with lives of non ‘work’,
translates into ‘non excitement.’ Kleptomania is rife amongst the
Oversley Green community as it is amongst the Studley populous
(although it must be said, the folk of Studley are happy with the
cheaper items,