The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil Read Online Free PDF Page B

Short-Term Residency Zone like twin grinning mountains, if twin grinning mountains could crack their knuckles while flexing their pecs and chomping gum, and soon shirts and pants and shoes and socks were flying over their tremendous shoulders into Outer Horner, where they were collected into a sack by Leon.
    When Jimmy and Vance stepped away, there were the Inner Hornerites, totally naked.
    “Freeda,” said Phil. “Assess the value of these clothes. Is the total value of these clothes exactly eight smolokas?”
    “I’m not sure,” said Freeda, a little taken aback by the sight of so many naked blushing ashamed Inner Hornerites scrambling to stand behind one another.
    “I think what you mean to say is yes, Freeda,” said Phil sternly.
    “Okay,” said Freeda. “Yes.”
    “Super,” said Phil. “Taxes paid. Enjoy the rest of your day, folks.”
    And Phil and the Special Friends and the Outer Horner Militia walked off, sorting through the clothes as they went.
    “My God, those guys were strong,” said Wanda.
    “They were incredibly strong,” said Curtis.
    “This is terrible,” said Elmer. “So humiliating.”
    “On the other hand, you know, nakedness is completely natural,” said Carol.
    “That’s true, I guess, Carol,” said Cal. “I mean, our naked bodies are nothing to be ashamed of. Although guys? Actually? I’d prefer you guys didn’t look at my wife.”
    “Also?” said Wanda. “Would you guys mind not looking at me? I feel so fat.”
    “Why are you all staring at my scar?” said Old Gus.
    “Maybe we should just agree not to look at one another,” said Wanda.
    “Oh, this is crazy,” Curtis said. “How long are we going to take this? We’ve got to do something. We’ve got to start resisting.”
    “Oh right, Curtis, let’s resist,” said Wanda. “Don’t
    you get it? If we resist, they’ll crush us. Did you see the size of those guys?”
    “Cal, you’re the one I don’t get,” said Curtis. “Here’s your wife, naked and being displayed to the world, here’s your shivering hungry kid, and what are you doing about it? Don’t you love them? Don’t you care?”
    “Curtis, leave Cal alone,” said Carol. “He’s doing the best he can.”
    “Carol, please don’t speak harshly to Curtis,” said Wanda. “He was only expressing his opinion.”
    “Look at us bickering,” said Curtis.
    “I don’t consider this bickering,” said Wanda.
    “Well, I do,” said Curtis.
    “It could be worse,” said Elmer.
    Everyone looked at Elmer.
    “I thought we agreed not to look at one another,” said Elmer, and for the rest of the day the Inner Hornerites stood staring straight ahead, except for Cal, who now and then snuck a guilty ashamed look over at Carol and Little Andy.
    Then it was dusk, and the bright spotlight came on.

    All night a bitter wind blew, causing icicles to form around the Inner Horner exhaust ports and steam vents, which made it even more galling when the Outer Horner Militia arrived at dawn wearing articles of former Inner Horner clothing over their Militia Uniforms.
    “Good morning all,” said Phil, wearing what appeared to be Wanda’s former stocking cap on his brain. “What time is it, Leon?”
    “Tax time, sir,” said Leon. “Bingo,” said Phil. The Inner Hornerites were silent. “Look, what the heck am I supposed to do about this?” said Phil. “You people owe us four smolokas. There’s a law, you know the law, yet you insist on defying the law. I am really at a loss here.”
    “Maybe they could run a tab?” said Freeda. “Freeda, I appreciate your input,” said Phil. “But do you really think these people are going to pay a tab? Are
    these trustworthy people? Honorable people? Did they or did they not recently attack Leon, leaving him bloody? Have you already forgotten the nightmare that was Dark Dark Thursday?”
    “Maybe we could sell tickets?” said Melvin. “Sell tickets to people who want to, you know, sort of stare at them? Because