The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil Read Online Free PDF

with the dogs,”
    Vance said. “And we had pretty mean dogs. And a pretty yucky yard.”
    “Right at the edge of a cliff,” said Jimmy.
    “Lost a lot of dogs that way,” said Vance.
    “So anyways we got excellent at obeying,” said Jimmy.
    “Watch this,” said Vance. “Watch how obedient. Sir, tell us to do something. Anything.”
    “Tear down that shack,” said Phil.
    “This one?” said Vance. “This one here with the cute little rose garden?”
    And Vance and Jimmy tore down the shack with their bare hands, with amazing speed, revealing a family sitting in their pajamas at a crooked kitchen table.
    “What in the world?” said the father.
    “Don’t even think about mouthing off to my brother, man!” shouted Vance.
    “And don’t even think about mouthing off to my brother, man!” shouted Jimmy, and lifted up the father by one leg, after which the father got very quiet.
    “You’re hired,” said Phil.
    “Ha!” said Jimmy, dropping the father back in the rubble that had been his shack. “What an amazing day.”
    “Hang on, Jimmy,” said Vance. “I have an additional request. Before we sign on.”
    “Vance, jeez!” whispered Jimmy. “Don’t get all demanding! You’ll screw it up!”
    “Jimmy, don’t worry, I know what I’m doing,” said Vance. “What I want, sir, to, uh, request, additionally? Is that, every now and then, you say something nice about us. If that’s not too much. Like you could say something about how much potential we have, or how obedient we are, it doesn’t even need to be true. Just something nice to us every day.”
    “We didn’t get much of that at home,” said Jimmy. “Mostly it was just, you know, Jimmy you jerk, how did you get so dumb? That sort of thing.”
    “Or like: Vance, you’re pathetic, why did you even have to be born,” said Vance.
    “Or like: Jimmy, if I had to throw either you or one of the dogs off the cliff, I’d throw you,” said Jimmy.
    “I’ll tell you what,” said Phil. “Every day, in addition to your smoloka, I’ll say something nice about each of you.”
    “About each of us?” said Vance. “Oh wow, I was just thinking you’d say something nice about one of us. Like one per day? Alternating? But now you’re saying you’ll say something nice about each of us every single day? Plus the smoloka?”
    “A smoloka each,” said Phil. “Do you understand that?”
    “A smoloka each?” said Jimmy.
    “Wow,” said Vance. “Wow wow wow. I’m getting dizzy here.”
    “You dream and you dream,” said Jimmy. “And one day it all comes true.”
    “Well, Edna,” said Vance. “I guess this is goodbye.”
    “We’ve got to do it, Edna,” said Jimmy. “Don’t you see? Please don’t be mad.”
    “Don’t sweat it,” said Edna. “You’ll be easy to replace.”
    “I’m sure that’s true,” said Jimmy.
    “We’re certainly nothing special,” said Vance.





“Let’s get you fellows cleaned up,” said Phil. “You’re going to clean us up?” said Jimmy. “And get you some uniforms,” said Phil. “You’re going to get us uniforms?” said Vance. With tears of gratitude in their eyes, Jimmy and Vance followed Phil out of the disgusting part of town.

    Next morning Phil and the Outer Horner Militia arrived at the border, accompanied by Vance and Jimmy, who were now wearing tight red t-shirts that read: “Phil’s Special Friends.”
    “Tax time, tax time,” said Phil. “And don’t even think of grabbing Leon’s hat. The way I figure it, you owe us four smolokas for Dark Dark Thursday and four for today, which I am hereby declaring the Memorable Friday of Total Triumphant Retribution. So eight smolokas. Leon, inventory their resources.”
    Leon, very cautiously, bandage on his Brow Clip, holding his hat on with both hands, walked around the Short-Term Residency Zone, squinting his eyes.
    “Still just the clothes,” he said.
    “Kindly collect the taxes,” Phil said to Jimmy and Vance, who entered the