The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil Read Online Free PDF Page A

asked the enormous muscular young men.
    “Don’t talk to them,” the old woman said. “They’re on the clock. They don’t get paid nothing. They’re apprentices. When they really learn how to do it, then they get paid.”
    “Not much of a job,” said Phil.
    “Well, sir, it’s a living,” said the first mud-covered young man.
    “Anyways, it will be,” said the second. “Someday. After our apprenticeships.”
    “And it sure beats being back home,” said the first.
    “Back home, when Ma covered us in mud or grease or lard?” said the second. “Not only did we not get paid, she’d yell at us while she did it.”
    “Edna never yells at us,” said the first.
    “Well, I like you boys,” said Edna. “You boys have potential.”
    “Did you hear that, Vance?” said the first boy. “Edna said we have potential.”
    “Wow, I am so moved by that,” said Vance. “Jimmy, can you imagine Ma ever saying something that nice to us?”
    “The only nice thing Ma ever said to us?” said Jimmy. “Was once she said we looked slightly better in lard than in mud.”
    “Guys,” said Phil. “You look pretty strong. Are you pretty strong?”
    “Oh, we’re strong,” said Vance.
    “Not to brag,” said Jimmy, “but we really are strong. Watch this, sir.”
    And Jimmy lifted Edna between two fingers and set her on top of his head.
    “All right, all right, mister comedian,” said Edna. “Put me down. Back to work.”
    Jimmy put Edna down and she climbed back up her ladder and again started applying mud to his neck.
    “Maybe you guys would like to come work for me,” said Phil.
    “What?” said Jimmy. “Wow, I can’t believe it. On the very same day, Edna says we have potential and this guy tries to hire us!”
    “Pretty big day, all right,” said Vance.
    “What exactly would we have to do, sir?” said Jimmy.
    “Well,” said Phil. “You’d be sort of like special friends of mine. Like bodyguards. You’d just do whatever I told you. Out at the Inner Horner border. I do a lot of work out at the Border, national security work.”
    “Bodyguards, wow!” said Jimmy. “National security work, wow! No offense, Edna, but I think bodyguard sounds even more impressive than Mud-Consistency Testing Associate.”
    “You boys aren’t smart enough,” said Edna.
    “You’re probably right,” said Vance.
    “Oh, they’re smart enough,” said Phil. “They’re exactly the level of smart I’m looking for.”
    “Wow, Vance, did you hear that?” said Jimmy. “We’re exactly the right level of smart!”
    “Edna, we have to try it,” said Vance. “Don’t you see? This could be our big chance. Sir, how much would you pay?”
    “Vance, God, don’t be pushy,” said Jimmy. “We don’t necessarily have to get paid.”
    “A smoloka each,” said Phil.
    “Wow, that’s pretty good,” said Vance. “A whole smoloka. I mean, if we could make it last, that could be really good. Jimmy, if we wanted to make that one smoloka last the rest of our lives, how much would we be allowed to spend each day?”
    “Well, that depends on how long we’re going to live,” said Jimmy. “And we don’t know that yet.”
    “He’s better at math than me,” explained Vance.
    “I don’t think you understand,” said Phil. “That’s a smoloka a day. One smoloka for every day you work. It’s a salary.”
    “Holy cow!” said Vance. “A smoloka a day! For every day we work! A salary! So that would be like, seven smolokas a week, if we worked seven days a week, right? Are there still seven days in a week? Anyway, wow, we’d be rich. And all we have to do is do whatever you say?”
    “That would be easy for us,” said Jimmy. “Ask Edna. Edna, wouldn’t you say we’re really good at doing whatever someone says?”
    “They’re excellent,” said Edna. “Very obedient. Whatever you tell them to do, they immediately do it.”
    “That’s because if we didn’t do exactly what Ma said, she made us sleep in the yard