The Bare Bum Gang and the Valley of Doom Read Online Free PDF Page A

all the you-know-what off.
He'll be good as new.'
    This was turning into the worst cheering-up
session in the history of the world. I
decided that I'd better tell Dad why I was
sad before he made things even worse by
telling me that the universe was about to
end, or that Granny and Grandad were
coming to stay.
    'I got chucked out of the Gang, Dad.'
    And then, because I'd said it, straight
out like that, I did cry, but only a little bit.
Dad gave me a hug, and I told him the
whole story, except the part about doing
a wee in the Special Mixture Number
Seven.
    'Never mind,' he said. 'You'll soon make
some new friends.'
    'How can I? There isn't anyone else to
play with.'
    'What about Jules and Jim?'
    Jules and Jim were two manky twins. They
were five years old and the only game they
could play was pulling hair. You'd have to
do a lot of thinking before you came up
with a game as rubbish as pulling hair.
    'I'd rather eat my own ear in a
sandwich.'
    'Oh . . . Well, would you like me to have
a word with Noah's dad? Noah's your best
friend, isn't he?'
    'Definitely not. It's Noah I hate the most
now. He should have stuck up for me.'
    'OK then, Ludo, why don't you sleep on it
tonight, and we'll have a think about what
to do in the morning? Things always look
better in the morning.'
    'You don't.'
    'What?'
    'You always look terrible in the morning,
like someone's come and beaten you up in
the night.'
    'Ha ha,' said Dad, and ruffled my hair.
He was quite a good dad, really.
    I read my comics late into the night. It
seemed that every superhero had a helper
or a friend or a gang. I was the only one
who was completely alone, unless you
included my Obi-Wan, all covered in Ivy
poo.
    And it was somewhere in that long,
lonely night that I began to Think the
Unthinkable .

Chapter Nine
ALFIE
    So I thought The Unthinkable , but before I
actually had to do The Unthinkable (or do
I mean The Undoable ?), I decided to have a
little chat with the person who had brought
me to this terrible situation.
    I'd noticed that Alfie always got to school
early so he could suck up to the teachers
without any of the kids noticing. That's the
kind of squirt he was. So the next day, I got
up half an hour before normal, and ran all
the way to school so I could catch him. I
hid behind the school gates, peeping out
through one of the gaps in the wood.
    Alfie got dropped off in a car by his mum.
She gave him a big wet kiss on the cheek, the
kind you could hear going off like a depth
charge in a submarine film. Whuuuuump! it
went. Then she wiped the red lipstick stain
off with her hanky while he squirmed and
looked around in case anyone had seen.
    Well, I had.
    As soon as he came through the gates
I jumped out in front of him. He looked
surprised for about a second. Then he said,
quite calmly, as if we were old chums, 'Hello,
Ludo.'
    That took me by surprise, which was
the opposite of what was supposed to be
happening (i.e. me taking him by surprise).
    'Hello,' I said.
    'Nice to see you.'
    'Yes. Nice to see you too,' I replied.
    And then I remembered what I was there
for.
    'No, actually it isn't nice to see you. In
fact, seeing you is completely rubbish. I'd
rather see a giant pile of steaming monkey
poo served up on my plate for dinner.'
    'Really? Then why were you waiting for
me? You must really like monkey poo for
dinner. I'll have to tell the others later.'
    You had to admit, this Alfie was a cool
customer. Well, two could play at that
game. I mean, the game of being a cool
customer.
    'Exactly,' I replied. 'I rest my case.'
    'Exactly what?' said Alfie, looking a bit
puzzled, as well he might.
    'You admit that you'd rather eat sweets
than monkey poo?'
    'Yes, of course . . . Who wouldn't, except
a loony like you.'
    'So then, you admit it was you who ate
our gang sweets?'
    'Ah, so that's what this is all about. Look,
Ludo, why don't you just let it go? The Bare
Bum Gang doesn't want you, doesn't need you. We've moved on – why don't you?
Get a life. Make some new