The Bare Bum Gang and the Holy Grail Read Online Free PDF Page A

Tunnel of Death—’
    ‘Or Poo,’ said Jamie.
    ‘The Tunnel of
Whatever
is the old sewer that went to the little houses that used to be where the tower is. There’s a place where you can get into it
outside
the fence, and another place where you can get out of it
inside
the fence. It’s the only way.’
    ‘But how do you know about it?’
    ‘We used to do it as a dare sometimes. I mean, the dare was to go through the tunnel to the wasteland. But no one ever made it all the way. They always came back after a few metres. It was too foul down there.’
    ‘You always got covered in poo,’ said Jamie.
    ‘It wasn’t poo,’ I snapped. ‘Just brown stuff.’
    ‘Yeah,’ said The Moan, ‘brown stuff that came out of people’s bottoms.’
    ‘And you want us to go down the same stinky sewer?’ said Jenny, her eyes wide with disbelief. ‘Even though no one has ever made it all the way through? You’re crackers.’
    It was time to take control again.
    ‘None of the kids who failed were on a noble quest like us. Remember, we’re like the Knights of King Arthur. I’m Lancelot, The Moan is Sir Gawain, Noah is Sir Galahad, Jamie is Sir . . .’ But then I ran out of Sirs. Luckily Noah came to the rescue.
    ‘Sir Tristan.’
    ‘Exactly, Sir Tristan. And Jennifer is Queen Guinevere.’
    ‘Queen Yuck!’ said Jenny. ‘I’m the best fighter, so I should be Lancelot.’
    ‘That’s not right,’ I replied, ‘because then I’d have to be Queen Guinevere. Let me think . . . OK, you can be Sir Gawain, Jenny, and The Moan can be Queen Guinevere.’
    ‘No way,’ grumbled The Moan. ‘If I’m Guinevere I’m definitely going home.’
    ‘Are there any other spare Sirs?’ I asked Noah in desperation.
    ‘Sir Bors.’
    ‘Sir Boring! You just made that up. No way I’m being him.’
    ‘He was Lancelot’s brother, actually,’ said Noah. ‘But if it makes you happy,
I’ll
be Guinevere, and
you
can be Galahad.’
    ‘That’s really noble, Noah,’ I said, and I think the whole gang were impressed by his supreme act of self-sacrifice. ‘Right,’ I continued . ‘Now that’s settled, let’s get on with this quest or we’ll never make it home in time for
Doctor Who
.’
    ‘Do you remember where the tunnel is?’ Noah asked.
    I think that maybe he was hoping I wouldn’t.
    But I did remember, and I led the gang around the perimeter fence to the right place. Between the road and the fence there was a dry ditch. The opening was in the side of the ditch. You could hardly see it to begin with, as it was covered in weeds and rubbish.
    I jumped down into the ditch and scraped away the garbage. There was a rusty metal grate as big as a dustbin lid.
    ‘Help me,’ I said, looking up at the others.
    Noah jumped down, and together we pulled. It had been opened before, but it still took both of us using every bit of strength we had to make it move. Finally it came away, revealing the tunnel, stretching before us into the darkness. It was just big enough to crawl through on your hands and knees.

    ‘I’m not going in there,’ said Jenny. ‘Not for a million pounds.’
    ‘Me neither,’ said The Moan. ‘It stinks like a badger’s bum.’
    ‘I don’t like tunnels,’ said Jamie. ‘What if I get stuck and have to live down there for ever like a rabbit? And I don’t even like carrots.’
    Rude Word woofed.
    ‘Oh, come on,’ I said. ‘There’s nothing to be scared of.’ But I was frightened too.
    And then something unexpected happened. Little Noah, famous for not being very brave, and for not liking the dark or smelly things, got down on his hands and knees and crawled into the dark smelly drain.
    He looked back over his shoulder. ‘You lot coming or not?’ he said, and then crawled on without waiting.
    The rest of us looked at each other. I think the others were feeling a little ashamed. First Jenny, then Jamie, then The Moan and then Rudy followed Noah into the Tunnel of Terror (I’d decided that was