The Bare Bum Gang and the Holy Grail Read Online Free PDF Page B

pick us off one by one.’
    That did the trick. There was no more arguing, and everyone kept on crawling forwards. It was hard work, but each time I looked up, the light in front was a tiny bit bigger.
    I noticed that every few metres there’d be a sort of side tunnel, smaller than the main sewer. It might have been my imagination, but I thought I heard scuffling, rustling noises coming from them, along with a nasty, musty smell.
    Then, suddenly, Noah stopped. I bumped into him, and Jenny bumped into me.
    ‘What’s the problem?’
    ‘I heard something.’
    ‘What?’
    ‘Squeaking.’
    ‘You mean like a rusty gate?’ I said hopefully.
    ‘No. Not like a gate. Like a . . . like a rat.’
    Now, I knew that, in normal circumstances, rats are not very dangerous. However, these were not normal circumstances. These were special circumstances. And in certain special circumstances rats are extremely deadly dangerous. One of those special circumstances is if you corner them. Being cornered changes a rat from a nice peaceful (if dirty and annoying) little fellow into one of the most vicious and lethal beasts in the universe, comparable to a jaguar, T. rex, or saltwater crocodile (which is the scariest sort of crocodile, especially if you’re at the seaside).
    If you corner them (the rats, I mean, not the crocodiles, although that is also not to be recommended) they leap straight for your neck and rip your throat out, leading to blood spurting everywhere and a horrible death, as bad as, or maybe even worse than, death by burning, drowning, electrocution, being eaten by jaguars, etc., etc.
    The other situation in which rats become evil, deadly homicidal maniacs is when you enter what is known as their ‘home territory’.
    And everyone knows that the home territory of the rat is the sewer.
    ‘Did he say rats?’
    That was Jenny, still scrunched up behind me. Now I had turned into a sort of sandwich, with Noah in front and Jenny behind. And there’s nothing a rat prefers to eat more than a sandwich, whether it’s cheese, ham or boy.
    ‘I don’t like rats,’ she added unnecessarily.
    With my hand shaking just a little bit, I shone the torch ahead.
    And there, gleaming back, were two points of evil yellow light.
    Noah screamed.
    I screamed.
    Jenny screamed.
    The Moan screamed.
    Jamie burped.
    Then things got really bad.
    More yellow dots.
    Equals more eyes.
    Equals more rats.
    Equals more screaming.
    It was now that I had to call on all my qualities as a Leader, i.e., dauntless courage, extreme genius and grace under pressure.
    ‘Rude Word,’ I yelled. ‘Din-dins.’
    I heard a wet snuffling sound from behind, and my fat dog came squeezing up.
    ‘Din-dins’, you see, means dinner in doggie language , and it was the only call Rude Word ever responded to. I took his ugly mug in my hands and made my speech.

    ‘Listen, Rudy,’ I said, staring deeply into his poo-coloured eyes. ‘I know you let yourself down badly when you hid from that big nasty dog Zoltan earlier on, but now’s your chance to make up for it. Many heroes have been cowardy custards for a while, such as Achilles when he sulked in his tent, but then he lost his temper and marmalized millions of Trojans. And that’s what you have to do, except with rodents instead of Trojans. You see, ahead of us there lies an army of killer rats. If we go forwards, they’ll tear out our throats and drink our blood, like a horde of zombies and vampire bats—’
    ‘Oooooooooo,’ groaned Jennifer.
    ‘And if we turn our backs on them and run away, they’ll probably gnaw through our bums and then eat us from the inside out, until all that’s left is a load of skellingtons, with fat rats in the middle of them lying around licking their lips, rubbing their swollen tummies, burping, etc., etc.’
    ‘Oooooooooo,’ groaned everyone.
    ‘So, Rudy,’ I continued, ‘it’s all down to you. Understand?’
    All through this speech, Rude Word had been looking at me