The Bare Bum Gang and the Holy Grail Read Online Free PDF

probably the best name for it). I was at the back, which is one of the most dangerous places to be when you’re in a tunnel, because of possible attacks from the rear.

Chapter Seven
    GOING UNDERGROUND
    TO BEGIN WITH all I could see in the gloom was Rude Word’s big hairy bottom.
    It actually didn’t smell that bad – I mean the sewer, not Rude Word’s bottom, which usually niffed pretty rotten, despite all the licking he gave it. It hadn’t rained for a while, so the bottom was dry. I mean the bottom of the tunnel, not Rude Word’s bottom. In fact, to avoid confusion, from now on when I mean Rude Word’s bottom, I’ll say Rude Word’s bottom, and when I mean anyone else’s bottom, or the bottom of a tunnel or any other kind of bottom, then I’ll just say bottom.
    I hope that’s clear.
    ‘Everyone OK?’ I shouted.
    My shout echoed along the tunnel in a most spooky manner.
    ‘Can’t see a thing,’ came an echoey voice back.
    ‘Let me through,’ I said. ‘I’ve got my torch.’
    I pushed past Rude Word, The Moan, Jamie and Jennifer. It was a tight squeeze, and I ended up getting a bit stuck with Jennifer – which was pretty embarrassing, I can tell you, especially as there were about three seconds when her lips were squidged up against my cheek. Someone might have said this counted as kissing, but that would be completely unfair, as this was a matter of life and death, not just yucky girly kissing stuff.
    Finally I was level with Noah.
    ‘Do you want to go first, with the torch?’ he asked.
    I looked along the sewer. It was pitch black except for the tiniest blip of light from what must be the exit, miles away, it seemed.
    ‘Mmmmm,’ I said, ‘I think maybe I should shine the torch over your shoulder, so you can see where you’re going. In any underground adventure, the Torch Bearer is the most important position, and they shouldn’t be right at the front in case there’s a pit or trap or something, or a surprise attack. If anyone falls into a trap it shouldn’t be the Torch Bearer. Definitely not. Because then, er, there’d be no one to bear the torch. And no torch to bear. Which would definitely be a disaster. So you carry on being first, as you’re more dispensable.’
    ‘Thanks,’ said Noah, but I don’t think he meant it. In fact I think he was being sarcastic, which was all wrong. Being sarcastic was The Moan’s job.
    ‘I don’t mean that in a bad way, Noah,’ I said reassuringly. ‘Being dispensable is also one of the most important jobs, after being Torch Bearer. And Leader, of course. In fact, in any adventure, underground or overground or in mid-air, you can’t get by without the dispensable one. The dispensable one is, er, indispensable. Everyone knows that.’

    ‘Can we get on, please?’ said The Moan from behind us. ‘I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this blinking hole.’
    ‘Yes, yes,’ I said, and gave Noah a little push.
    I shone the torch over his shoulder. The walls of the sewer had once been red brick, but now they were blackened with dried slime and other nasty things. If you got all the tunnels in the world and put them in order of nastiness, this one was definitely in the top five per cent, although it was probably better than a tunnel bored into your brain by a creature that’s crawled into your ear.
    The next ten minutes was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life – and remember, I’ve got a baby sister, so I know all about misery.
    Sweat began to run down my face and into my eyes, making them sting. Everything ached – my hands, my knees, my back and my head, every time I bashed it on the roof.
    Obviously, The Moan was the first to moan.
    ‘This is rotten,’ he said. ‘I want to go home.’
    ‘My knees hurt,’ said Jenny. ‘And I think there’s a hole in my tights.’
    ‘You should have worn trousers then, like a normal person,’ said The Moan.
    ‘No arguing,’ I said. ‘If we fight amongst ourselves, the enemy will