The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. Read Online Free PDF Page A

out of the way, and though we start after him, we contrive to reach the goal before him. Yes, it sounds complicated. Don’t think too hard about it; you might strain what remains of your brain. Just understand that this is the tactic known as Deviation. Our behavior has long been considered deviant by medical experts of the Human world.
    THEY AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET.
    Mortals will cling to the belief that maneuvering in well-organized groups is advantageous. Newsflash: An undisciplined Zombie multitude can reduce them to sausage in a matter of minutes.
    Let them use up their energy. Watch their supplies dwindle. Watch them launch hopeless salvos against our superior numbers. They will send their best warriors on suicide missions. We would laugh, if we still could.
    We can amble along at a constant pace, day and night, while they must take “breaks” and “potty stops.” Consider the ludicrous concept of the “power nap.” A sleeping Human is the very definition of “fast food.”
    The Living will attempt to lead with their swiftest and strongest. Bring them on, say we. One or two of our number may fall to the Enemy, but we soon surround and isolate them. Such are the sacrifices required if we are to attain our goal of WORLD DOMINATION.
    And yet, there remain Mortals to shuffle clear of:
    Female Humans resembling Angelina Jolie, especially if armed with large-caliber firearms. They tend to be fearless and deadly accurate.
    Meddling teenagers in “Mystery Machines,” especially if traveling with Great Danes.
    Anybody wearing a cape or tight-fitting metallic outfit. Not only are these ghastly fashion choices, such persons often turn out to have super powers. It would be most inconvenient, to say the least, to have your Horde encased in ice or engulfed by a tidal wave at the crucial moment of battle. (Refer to Sun Tzumbie’s advice on the use of fire and water : This is the misfortune that befell the Horde crossing the Red Sea several thousand years ago. That old dude with the horns and beard had some mad super powers! This was in the days before Spandex.)
    In general, though, the Humans will rush at you recklessly with little or no concern for their own safety. The more you can tire them out and cause them to deplete their supplies, the easier your mealtimes will become.
    Do not make the mistake of responding to overtures of friendship, and even worse, servitude. It’s always a trap. Likewise, do not negotiate with Humans. They are our enemies. Mortal enemies. If they appear to offer an olive branch, refuse to “Give peace a chance!” In the words of Human patriot Patrick Henry, “Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace —but there is no peace. The war is actually begun !” Instead, let them rest in peace, at least until their bodies succumb to the Zombie Virus.
    However, we are not fit to conquer unless we are familiar with the face of the country—its mountains and forests, its pitfalls and precipices, its marshes and swamps. The Humans would like to see us fail in this regard. We’ll show ’em!
    When entering unfamiliar terrain, immediately devour a few of the locals to recruit them over to our side. They can prove invaluable as scouts and guides.
    In war, practice dissimulation, and you will succeed. In real terms, this means Fit In. Take note of local customs. You don’t want to stick out like a sore (and gangrenous) thumb. Calling undue attention to yourself is a sure recipe for disaster.
    Circumstances will dictate whether you remain concentrated in a group or fan out to infiltrate the countryside. Urban settings can be especially challenging, as Humans will seek refuge in the upper stories of buildings. See Chapter 3 for advice on smoking them out. There will be plenty of food on the ground, though. Forage as you go. This is known as (Un-)Living off the fat of the land. Yes, the obese can be very nourishing, if a trifle rich. Eat sparingly if you’re watching your cholesterol—and who isn’t these