The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. Read Online Free PDF Page B

becoming target practice for these, the Select Elect. Conquer them, so that the South may rise again... as Zombies!
    There are towns and high rises which must be besieged. (Urban areas are a cornucopia of BRRRAAAIIINNNS for Zombies.) There are positions which must be contested. (Who will be first in the queue to attack the Humans entrapped in the Monroeville Mall?) There are commands of sovereigns which must be obeyed, if only we could understand them. Keep in “mind,” too, places to be avoided, such as open fields. If, by some misfortune, you find yourself in such surroundings, remember the wise words of the Human leader Winston Churchill: “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” Gimp along as best you can. And if you can’t run away, at least run amok.
    Madame Cadavre Exquis inspires Zombies everywhere by reminding us of the famous Terracotta Army, discovered in 1974 in the province of Lintong, Xian, Shaanxi Province, China. The army was found in mammoth vaults, or pits, beneath the earth near the tomb of Emperor Qin Shihuang. These thousands of life-size warriors—archers, cavalry, and infantry—have waited to be excavated and animated for more than two millennia. It has been estimated that it took 720,000 builders thirty-eight years to create this, the ideal Horde Army. We keep hope, er, alive that just the right Virus will come along to awaken them, perhaps even as the last soldier is excavated from terra firma.

    The Terracotta Army awaits animation
    The Commanding Corpse who thoroughly understands the advantages that accompany variations of tactics knows how to handle his Horde. Mix it up. Strike back with a severed arm or leg. Stab your foe with detached digits. Comrade lost his head? Hurl it into their midst. The leader who does not understand these options may be well acquainted with the configuration of the country, yet will not be able to turn his knowledge to practical account, or to victory.
    Hence, the Zombie student of war who is unversed in The Art of War for Zombies and varying his plans will fail to make the best use of his faculties such as they may be.
    In the wise Zombie leader’s plans, considerations of advantage and of disadvantage will be blended together. Remember the Zombie advantages: We. Are. Unstoppable. Shock and Awe? We invented it. We laugh, or rather moan, at traumatic injury. And we are unrelenting in our pursuit of our goal: BRRRAAAIIINNNS! Oh, that and GLOBAL SUPREMACY. If our expectation of advantage be tempered in this way, we may succeed in accomplishing the essential aim of our scheme... feasting on Gray Matter!
    And if, in the midst of difficulties, we are always ready to seize an advantage, we may also extricate ourselves from misfortune, and turn the tables on our Enemy. Reduce hostile Mortal chiefs by inflicting damage on them. Make trouble for them, and keep them constantly engaged. Just when they think There Are No More Zombies, send out another plodding corpse. Hold out specious allurements, like Twizzlers and Slim Jims, and make them rush to any given point, where others of our number are waiting with clawing, grasping arms. BWAHAHA!

    The Art of War for Zombies teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the Enemy’s not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him. And consume him. Fortunately, we’re always ready for a sapient snack. Further, rely not on the chance of the Enemy’s not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable. Especially those of us in Quarantine.
    There are five dangerous faults which affect Mortal generals and our prey in general...to our favor! They are:
    Recklessness, which leads to destruction. Who, pray tell, is reckless? The “Hero” of a thousand faces. The Loner who believes he is the hot shot who will save the world. The Antihero. The Underdog. The Rookie, who seeks to prove his worth. Or the Nerd, who seeks to impress the opposite sex. Lord, what fools these Mortals be!
    Cowardice.