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Sunshine.”
    “Err,” was all Simon could manage.
    “It’s a new and exciting day outside.”
    “Come on, Mom,” said Simon. “Let me sleep.”
    “Oh, I’m afraid Mom isn’t here at the moment. Are you expecting her?”
    An eye opened. “Who the hell are you and how did you get in here?”
    “My name’s Jon and I’ve come for a short visit. As to how I got here, well I came through that secret teleport device you keep in the back.”
    That was enough to jolt Simon right back to reality. He sat up and looked around.
    “What have you done with Gilbert?”
    “Nothing,” said Jon. “Why, what do you usually do with him?”
    “What?” said Simon shaking the cobwebs out of his head. “Where’s Gil?”
    “Gilbert is enjoying a tour of the universe,” Jon lied, “and I’m here to enjoy a tour of Earth. It’s kind of a swap thing we do when we’re first contacted and then we all get together a bit later to discuss what we’ve experienced.”
    Lucky bastard, thought Simon, feeling more than a tad envious of Gilbert.
    Poor bastard, thought Jon, feeling more than a tad guilty for setting Gilbert and Simon up.
    “Well, then please allow me to officially welcome you to Earth. My name is Simon and I’m sorry I was asleep when you arrived. What do we do…how does this start?”
    “We start with a nice meal, my treat, and then some conversation followed by you recommending the best hotel in town.”
    “Your treat? You have money?” Simon queried.
    “Of course, we’re always sent into the field well prepared. I have a driver’s license, a few credit cards and some cash. Everything one would need for a short vacation on Earth.”
    “Are you familiar with Earth food? Is there anything particular you would like to try?”
    “Yes, I think I would like to try Italian food.”
    “Really, Italian?”
    “Yes indeed, while I was researching your planet I came across a few articles on animal rights and one of the things they were up in arms about is the treatment of calves in the production of veal.”
    “And this is something that would interest you?”
    “Well, you see, the unethical treatment of animals is an indication of how one civilization might treat another. It’s just something we like to look into.”
    So a few hours later, after a nice dinner of veal saltimbocca, Jon sat back and said, “Damn well worth torturing those little buggers if the outcome is going to taste this good! Can’t fault anyone except the cows for being delicious.” The truth is that Jon didn’t give a tinker’s cuss about the plight of animals or animal rights activists, he’s just one of those people that likes to try new foods and for some reason veal got his attention. “You know, they're not treated that much differently than chickens. Chickens just aren’t nearly as cute so no one cares as much.”
    “More wine, Jon?” asked Simon.
    “Yes, please. I must say this has been a most enjoyable meal.”
    “Would you mind if I took this opportunity to ask you a few questions?”
    “Not at all, my friend.”
    “What’s it like?”
    “The universe?” asked Jon. “Believe it or not, it’s not much different out there than here. Earth has different nations with very different cultures and the universe has different planets with very different cultures. You see, a planet’s overall culture usually settles out one or two hundred years after some easily accessible form of high speed travel emerges. This allows the so-called strange to become common place. Like kung-fu fighting, I mean the martial art, not the song, though the song’s a good example too. Either way, travel to any corner of your globe and you’ll find a kung-fu master and someone will probably know the song there as well. Food’s an even better example. I hear that Japan now has some of the better French and Italian restaurants.”
    “How do you know so much about Earth?” asked Simon. “I mean stuff like the Kung-Fu Fighting