TALES FROM THE SCRIPT: THE BEHIND-THE-CAMERA ADVENTURES OF A TV COMEDY WRITER Read Online Free PDF Page A

i heard people shouting that phrase back and forth to one
another and laughing. i was thrilled that i had created a “catch phrase.”
it was a glorious evening. The audience loved the performance,
and the people who put on the show booked me immediately for another one a month later—at the same fee.
That time, i wanted people to share my exultation, so i invited my
wife and her mother to be my guests.
i died.
not even “You, too, lady?” worked. no one laughed and the applause was polite and peremptory. it said, “Get off the stage so we can
get on with our party” more than it said, “Thanks for an enjoyable show.”
Afterward, i learned that one of the Philadelphia college basketball teams, either St. Joseph’s or Villanova, was playing for the national championship that night and management had set up several
televisions around the room so the party-goers could watch the game.
Again, it wasn’t my fault.
Another friend had a friend who had a friend who knew someone
at WFiL-TV, who was organizing several traveling amateur troupes
sponsored by the station. One of those friends got me information
about applying for an audition.
Everyone in the Philadelphia area must have had a friend who
had a friend who had a friend because there were hundreds of hopefuls lining the corridors of WFiL-TV on tryout day. There were little
girls in tutus, who danced by on their tippy-toes, while i sat on a folding chair rehearsing my gags. it reminded me of some comedian’s
line, “Why do ballet dancers stand on their tippy-toes? Why don’t
they just hire taller girls?”
There were several youngsters in ill-fitting tuxedos with colored
scarves protruding from every pocket. They were the magicians, and
they paced back and forth because if they sat down, they’d probably
kill a dove that was secreted in their back pocket.
Some young ladies rehearsed their Joan of Arc soliloquies, sang
operatic arias in a near whisper, or tapped away in their red, white, and
blue sailor suits. it was probably the greatest assemblage of non-talent
and semi-talent in the Delaware Valley. i was awed to be a part of it.
Memorizing my lines distracted me from the chaos in the corridor. My eyes and my mind stayed focused on my script until i heard a
barking coming from somewhere near me. i ignored it at first, but the
second time i heard the noise, i looked up.
The older gentleman next to me smiled proudly and said, “Cocker
Spaniel.”
i said, “Oh,” and went back to my private rehearsal.
“Here’s a German Shepherd,” he said and barked again. it sounded
a lot like a Cocker Spaniel only louder. Without comment, i returned
to my reading. He tugged at my sleeve and said, “Here’s a Cocker Spaniel and a German Shepherd fighting.” The noises emanating from that
man turned many heads. One tuxedoed lad reacted quite strongly when
the barking and growling scared a dove that was hidden in his pocket.
My new friend proudly said, “i can do a rooster,” and he did. He
said, “i can do a cat,” and he did. He even boasted, “i can do a cat
falling from a building,” and he did. i had never heard a cat falling
from a building, but i supposed if i had it would’ve sounded just like
that man. The young magician had probably never heard a cat falling
from a building either and i’m sure that none of his doves ever had.
The magician had to go into the men’s room at the end of the corridor
because his tuxedo was becoming very active.
“i’m an animal impersonator,” my seat mate finally said.
“Really?” i asked, as if i needed confirmation that a man who just
barked several times, meowed, squealed, and cock-a-doodle-dooed
would be anything other than an animal impersonator.
“Oh yeah,” he said. i got my confirmation.
He said, “i do over 400 different types of animals.” i hoped my
name would be called before he got past number 166.
“i was on the Ted Mack Amateur Hour, you know.”
i didn’t know