TALES FROM THE SCRIPT: THE BEHIND-THE-CAMERA ADVENTURES OF A TV COMEDY WRITER Read Online Free PDF Page B

The “voice” part of our tandem climbed onto
the bar and actually straddled the cash register while performing. The
band started playing “Put on a Happy Face,” and my partner started
crooning. At rehearsals, he was fine, but in front of an audience, stage
fright got him. He sang the entire song using only one note.
During the song, the bartender rang up drinks on the cash register that was between the singer’s legs. i sat at the end of the bar
wondering if my whole show business career would be that bizarre.
God bless him, my partner continued singing as if he was Dean
Martin. i just stared at him with wide open eyes, unbelieving. i had
never heard anything so awful in my life.
At the end of his song, the microphone disassembled and fell with
a loud clunk onto the stage. The bartender tried to fix it, but couldn’t,
so he said, “Just tell me what you want to say and i’ll tell the people.”
He told the bartender to announce me. He did. i refused to get
off my bar stool. Our debut was over.
Again, i died, but that time i blamed it on my faux-Dean Martin
associate and on the room. no matter what my wife said, we would
have been better in tuxedos.
Some good things happened along the way, too. A friend had a
friend who had a friend who knew Cozy Morley. Well, in fact, everybody knew Cozy Morley. He was an entertainer, who was very
popular in the Philadelphia and Wildwood areas. He sang, played
instruments, and told jokes, but the real secret of his success was
that he knew everyone by name. He owned a club in the Wildwood
area where he entertained during the summer season. He learned
the name of anyone who came into the club and remembered it the
following summer when they came back. Everybody flocked to see
Cozy because he was a personal friend.
He read some of my jokes and wanted me to write material for
him. Cozy had been doing the same jokes since he was in high school,
so he wanted some new ones.
We settled on a fee of $100 a week. That was the first money i
earned as a comedy writer, so i couldn’t really afford a lawyer. i drew
up the contract myself, and it was easy. Cozy was the party of the first
part and i was the party of the second part, or visa versa. it didn’t really matter.
i threw in a whole bunch of “whereases” and “wherefors” and
used a big word anytime i could think of one to replace a little word.
The document appeared legal and we both signed it.
After that, the document just withered away as did the agreement.
Cozy never did any of the new jokes because the old ones were much
more comfortable for him. i never saw any of the $100s i was supposed to receive each week. We both just forgot about it.
However, another friend had a friend who had a friend who personally knew Mickey Shaughnessy. That friend used to work with
Mickey around town. Shaughnessy was another local favorite, who
had recently had some success in Hollywood. He appeared in From
Here to Eternity and in several Glenn Ford pictures like Pocketful of
Miracles and the Sheepherder.
Mickey read my stuff and liked it. He immediately hired me to
write some special material for a show he was going to do in Cleveland. i’d get $100 for my work.
i was thrilled.
Then Shaughnessy cancelled the appearance.
i was unthrilled.
However, he did want to meet me. He was appearing at the Venus
Lounge in South Philadelphia. He invited me to see his act and then
we could sit and talk about a working arrangement.
The day of the meeting, i was ill. i had a severely upset stomach, but i didn’t want to miss that opportunity. i talked a good friend
from GE into accompanying me. Actually, i talked him into taking
me there because i was too ill to drive.
We sat in the audience, while Shaughnessy performed. My friend
drank bourbon and i drank Pepto Bismol. i had thought to bring a
bottle with me.
We talked to Mickey after the show and he was very enthusiastic
about my material. i set up another meeting, this