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they spilled out the windows; the men ahead and on horseback, in breastplates trimmed with American gold as if to remind Paris that the world belonged to them, though Philip hadn’t been as good as his father, Charles, at holding on to it; the children, and there must have been many, shoehorned in between chests and throwing clods and slabs of dirt at one another amid much hilarity. The purpose of this whole circus was to demand that the Estates-General crown Isabel Clara Eugenia, a thing that simply could not happen. France hadn’t been governed by a woman since Salic law was adopted in 1316. Not to mention that the infanta was Spanish, left-handed, fat, a bit slow, chewed her fingernails, and picked her nose and ate it.
    The list of personages who made the trip is preserved in the archives of the National Library of Spain, and Quevedo and Girón’s names appear on it. There is also a travel log. In the diary of the secretary to the duke of Feria’s mother, an entry made in Gerona dated June 27 laments that the delegation’s delays and the inability of the poor infanta to command respect wereturning the convoy into a carnival. The secretary writes: “Girón, never in earnest, goes about everywhere with a little maggot who calls Her Majesty ‘La Elefanta.’” Who else could it be?
    Girón and Quevedo met again many years later in Alcalá de Henares. Pedro Téllez Girón—by now duke of Osuna, a grandee of Spain—was, like his friend, a man of ready tongue and insatiable urges; a drunk and a brawler from first to last. A man who knew how to get himself into trouble—and out of it.
    In the autumn of 1599 he was dogged by three trials. The first was a result of keeping company with the actress Jerónima de Salcedo, whom he had set up in his house in Alejos with her father and husband. Osuna got only a minor reprimand, but the actress and her family were sentenced to flogging, feathering, and parading, she for being a kept woman, her father for being a pimp, and her husband for being a cuckold.
    Another trial, thornier this time, involved an uncle of Osuna’s—a bastard son but an influential man—who had been his tutor. Juan de Ribera, Viceroy of Valencia, had accused this uncle of murdering his own wife and replacing her in the nuptial bed with a young page, with whom he apparently did the nefarious deed with scandalous enthusiasm and frequency.
    Osuna’s uncle and the page were garroted in the plaza and their bodies burned. Though it seemed that all Valencia could testify to their amours, Pedro Téllez Girón stood in his tutor’s defense until the end and escaped unscathed, though he was sentenced to house arrest—where he must not have had such a bad time, because the actress and her family were still awaiting the conclusion of their own trial.
    The third trial must have been by far the worst, because nota single official record is left of the crime he committed with another scoundrel, who might have been Quevedo. During this trial Osuna was jailed in Arévalo Prison and then locked up in his house in Osuna under the strict watch of four bailiffs. Historians and assorted amateurs have put two and two together and surmised that the sin for which Girón ended up in Arévalo was the murder of one or more soldiers in a dispute over a racket game.
    In his
Account of Occurrences in the Court of Spain
, the historian Luis Cabrera de Córdoba reports that on August 6, 1599, while under house arrest, Osuna asked for leave to go to Madrid to kiss the king’s hand, and, “having been granted it, he used it to go to Seville, and even—it is said—to Naples, to indulge his urges.” It’s more than likely that he brought along his comrade in revelry, who was also under house arrest at the time.
    In Seville, Quevedo—his position vastly more precarious than Osuna’s—must have tried to convince him that they