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stone-cold sober Jewish dad.

    Town’s Sole Goth Couple
Wins Over Hearts, Minds
    Suburgatory, USA—The only teenage goth couple in town, once considered an oddity or even a menace, has won over local citizens with the intensity of their devotion to each other and their lifestyle.
    â€œBoy, that’s a lot of velvet. They’re like one tangled up unit—oh my God! Look, you can’t see their feet! It’s like they’re floating. Floating weirdo Siamese twins,” said postwoman Julie Serra. She had just delivered mail to resident Frieda Graber. “I didn’t even know there still were goths. I remember way back, that guy with the black hair from that gloomy rock band but then when I saw he got fat, I thought, Well, that’s over. You can’t love food and hate life, right? Hypocrite. But these kids, I think they’re for real.”
    The couple, who go by the names “Thanatos” and “Sylvrefyre,” first came to be known at Wagner High School by their refusal to separate during the school day.
    â€œThese two were a couple of losers before they found each other. They were sad plus scary, to be totally honest. Like, maybe not Columbine scary, but . . . you know, like small- to medium-size time bombs. And now look at ’em.”
    Principal Gary Briscoe gestured to the couple, who were sitting silently on the basketball court, tracing invisible tear lines down each other’s faces. “Seriously, have you ever seen love like that? So yeah, I made some accommodations for them. I let them stay together and let ’em out of gym. Violates their ‘beliefs’ or whatever. And look what they gave me!”
    He fumbled under paperwork and produced an ornate pendant. “They told me it’s . . . where’s that Amazon slip . . . here it is . . . It’s a . . . ‘Vladeptus Black Rose Gothic Pendant,’ a ‘stealthy bat who guards the rose noir, whose perfume reeks of death.’ $14.95, on sale. Not bad. Now, I thought that was really thoughtful of them.”
    â€œI bet the sex is out-of-this-world great, too,” the principal said quietly, apparently not realizing he was on the record. “Wait, do goths have sex?”
    Parents who thought it was a phase that would end with the school year changed their minds during the summer heat. “I saw them walking all the way to Dunkin’ Donuts . . . in August. All cloaked up and crazy and all. I mean, a goth in August? That’s commitment,” said Seena Murray. “It’s a little sad because I remember Ashley—sorry I mean Sylvrefyre —when she was little and she was so pretty. I can still see that face, though, no matter how much of that insane makeup she puts on.”
    The couple tries to speak as little as possible, but did issue a written statement: “We are thankful that the doomed, beautiful, and terrible people of this town have embraced us, and in return, we will honor their life essence long after their corpses begin their spectacular, eternal rot.”
    The one citizen not won over by Thanatos and Sylvrefyre is thirty-five-year-old Gina Hartnett, a former goth herself, who serves the couple at Dunkin’ Donuts. “Oh, please. I hated life before those brats were even born,” said Hartnett. “They’ll be at one of those fancy weirdo colleges like [nearby] Hampshire College before you know it.” Hartnett traded her goth getup for a Dunkin’ Donuts uniform several years ago, after running out of tuition money for Green Valley Community College when her father was incarcerated for meth production. “You want to really understand the excruciatingly awful pain of being alive? Spend eight hours making Coolattas. And go home with donut smell that won’t wash off. Try that for a few weeks, posers.”

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