Suburgatory Read Online Free PDF Page A

daughter! That probably didn’t sound very good. But really, don’t you ladies know that we all have crazies in our shared genetic pool? I don’t see the British throwing cans of spotted dick at every Irish person they see. So yes Sikhs have terrorists, too, but none of them has ever hurt an American that I know of. Those were just a teeny handful of Muslim crazies that killed Americans, and I just happen to look like them! I am part of the 99.9 percent of nice, boring, not-Muslim Sikhs out there.
    In light of the many recent incidents involving ladies seeing my turban and immediately walking out, I am forced to change my cancellation policy. Now that my not-Muslimness and nice, boring qualities are on the public record, you will be charged a fifty-dollar cancellation fee if you decide I am too scary to do your pap smear. For those of you who are fair-minded and can see that I am simply a Sikh who just happens to look exactly like Mohammed Atta and wants nothing more than to keep your insides pink and shiny and healthy, I hope to see you in stirrups very soon.

    PAID ADVERTISER CONTENT
    Bar Mitzvahs by Shiksas
    So! You married a Jew! Maybe fifteen years ago or so? It was your Irish-American mother’s dream come true. “Don’t marry some Irish stumblebum, find a Jew. They make wonderful husbands. They never cheat. Just avoid the ones named Spitzer, Weiner, and Madoff.” Gosh, how did Mom know that? Because she’s Mom, of course, she knows everything!
    But your little not-really Jewish son is almost a man. And that shiksa in you wants a little representin’ at his upcoming bar mitzvah. That’s where Bar Mitzvahs by Shiksas comes in! Founded by goy goddess extraordinaire Erin Goodwin-­Gotbaum, our team of experienced shiksas will show you how to slip your cultural touchstones into the event with only the barest ripple of, “Oh, that’s the shiksa wife at it again. ” Well, it’s your not-really Jewish child too, right?
    At Bar Mitzvahs by Shiksas we can make sure that “Danny Boy” and “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” just, you know, accidentally pop up on the DJ list. And of course we’ll have the bar fully stocked. What is with these Jews and their constitutional inability to get down to business and drink? Quite the cross for them to bear, it seems.
    For the Italian American, rest assured that Old Nonna Carnivale’s gravy with meatballs—pork, beef, and cheese meatballs, of course (are there any other kind?)—will suddenly appear on the catering tables. Oh, those kosher guests will never know the difference. Or if they do, they’ll think: Boy, these Italians might be a bunch of thugs but they sure know how to make a meatball. Nonna Carnivale’s meatballs will put that horrible, bland kreplach to shame! And don’t be alarmed, Jewish friends, when never-before-seen paisans —local guys from the shiksa’s own corner of the Old Country—just show up. Because the meatballs are that good. And like Jews, paisans stick together.
    Or what if your heritage is just a bit . . . trashy? Now for you, no event is complete without Pigs in a Blanket, but your adopted Jewish community might find that a bit . . . déclassé, and your Pigs sure as hell aren’t kosher either. Well, as we say quite often at Bar Mitzvahs by Shiksas: Tough titties! You, as the shiksa mom, let your child go unbaptized and now he’s probably going straight to hell after death—Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. The least these people can do is eat your Pigs in a Blanket! And with our help, very strong encouragement, and well-toned Shiksa biceps, they will. Oh yes, that’s a promise.
    So call us at Bar Mitzvahs by Shiksas! You can take the girl away from the goys, but you can’t take the goy out of the girl. Embrace it, shiksas! And of course, mazel tov to your wonderful bar mitzvah boy and his loving, attentive, totally faithful, moral, and