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fury. You know how he hated it when she was unhappy!
    You know how he hated it when she had any kind of a life other than watching us take ballet, or playing bridge with the wives of his partners. I think that subconsciously she thinks he would have wanted her to be just as miserable as she is. I think she should see a shrink, Louise said bluntly.
    Why don't we take her on a vacation? It seemed like a nice idea to Jan, who had an easy time taking time off from the gallery, but Louise didn't see how she could leave her children.
    Maybe in September, when they're back in school. We could take her to Paris.
    Sounds good to me, Louise said, but when they suggested it to Amanda at lunch, she immediately shook her head, and said she couldn't.
    I couldn't possibly get away now, she said firmly, I still have too much to do for the estate. I don't want that hanging over my head forever. But they all knew it was an excuse. She just didn't want to rejoin the world of the living, not without Matthew.
    Let the lawyers take care of it, Mom, Lou said practically, they do anyway. It would do you good to get away.
    She hesitated for a long moment, and then shook her head as tears filled her eyes again, and she was honest with them. I don't want to. I'd feel too guitly.
    For what? Spending a little money? You can certainly afford a trip to Paris. Or many, many of them, as they all knew. That was not the issue. But the real problem was far deeper.
    It's not that, I just ' I just feel that I don't have the right to do something like that without Matthew' . Why should I go out and kick up my heels? Why should I have a good time? She began to sob, but she had to say it, as both girls watched her. Why am I still alive and he isn't? It's so unfair. Why did it have to happen? She had survivor guilt, and neither of them had ever heard her say it.
    It just happened, Mom, Jan said gently. It just did. It wasn't your fault, or his, or anyone's. It was just horrible rotten luck, but you have to go on living ' for yourself ' for us ' just think about it. If you don't want to go to Paris, we'll go to New York for a few days, or San Francisco. But you have to do something. You can't just give up on life, Mom. Daddy wouldn't have wanted you to do that. But it was obvious, just talking to her on the drive home, that she wasn't ready to do it. She was still too deep in mourning for her husband to even want to go on living, or think about doing anything constructive or amusing.
    How's she doing? Paul asked when he flew back from New York on Sunday night, and Jan drove him home from the airport.
    She isn't. She's a total mess. Lou thinks she should be on Prozac. I don't know what I think. It's as if she's tried to bury herself with Daddy.
    Maybe that was what he would have wanted. Maybe she knows that.
    You sound just like my sister, Jan said, looking out the window, and then back at him. I want to ask you something. She said it so solemnly that he smiled at her. He was happy to see her after the trip to New York. He had really missed her.
    Sure. You want me to fix her up with my father? No problem. I'll arrange it. He'd love it. The idea was so outrageous that even Jan laughed, but an instant later, her eyes were serious again, and whatever it was, he could sense that it was important to her.
    I have something else in mind, she said nervously, not sure how to broach it to him, but desperate to convince him.
    Spit it out, Jan. I'm waiting.
    I want both of us to go to the doctor. The specialist. It's been six months since the last time we talked about it, and nothing has happened. She looked earnest and terrified as she asked, but Paul looked less than sympathetic.
    Christ, that again. You never let up, do you? I've been working on the biggest film deal of my career for the past six months, and all you can think about is a baby. No wonder it hasn't happened, Jan. I've been on airplanes more than I've been home. How can you say we have a problem? To her, it sounded