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anyway.
    As usual, the sisters couldn't agree on anything.
    And the week before Christmas, Paul and Jan got an invitation from Paul's father to come to a Christmas bash at Julie's. Jan wasn't in the mood for it this year. Paul was still refusing to see the specialist, and Jan was depressed about it, and worried about her mother. But Paul said his father's feelings would be hurt if they didn't make an effort to at least drop in at the party.
    Why don't you go without me? Jan said to Paul when the morning of the party came. She just didn't feel like going. I promised my mother I'd come by to see her this afternoon, and I'll probably feel even worse once I see her. She was sliding steadily downhill from life to death, and watching her do it was driving Jan crazy. She felt entirely helpless to stop her.
    Why don't you bring your mother with you? he suggested offhandedly as he left for work, and Jan looked at him with total irritation.
    Haven't you listened to anything I've said to you for the past year? She's depressed, she's losing weight, she's not seeing anyone. She's just sitting there waiting to die, for chrissake. Do you really think she'd come to one of your father's jazzy parties? You're dreaming.
    Maybe it would do her good. Ask her at least. He said it with a smile, and Jan wanted to throw something at him. He just didn't get it.
    You don't know my mother.
    Just ask her.
    I might as well ask her to take all her clothes off and run naked through the streets of Bel Air, for chrissake.
    At least the neighbors would be happy. Even depressed, she was still a spectacular-looking woman. He had even had a crazy idea about asking her to be in his next movie, but he was afraid to ask Jan what she thought about it. He already knew what she'd tell him. Anyway, tell her my father would be thrilled if she'd come. It would lend the store respectability, he teased, as he kissed her good-bye, and in spite of herself, she let him. She was deeply upset with him for still not seeing the doctor about their inability to have a baby, and she was beginning to think, and had for a while, that there would never be children in their future. In some ways, she was almost as depressed as her mother, she just didn't show it, but most days she felt as bad as her mother.
    But when she saw Amanda that afternoon, it broke Jan's heart to see her. She looked thin and tired and pale and as though she had nothing left to live for. At fifty, Amanda felt as though her life were over. Jan tried everything, suggested everything she could think of, she cajoled, she begged, she threatened, she told her that if she didn't pull herself together soon, she and Louise would come and stay with her and drag her out of the house if they had to.
    You girls have better things to do with your time than worry about me. How is Paul's new movie? She always changed the subject, and the focus of the conversation, to something else, but by the end of the afternoon, Jan was so upset she was actually angry with her, and she said so.
    You know, you make me mad as hell. You have everything to be grateful for, a good life, a beautiful home, two daughters who love you, and all you can do is sit here and feel sorry for yourself and cry over Daddy. Don't you even love us, Mom? Can't you think of anyone but yourself for once? Don't you see how worried we are? Christ, that's all I ever think about anymore. That and the fact that I'm never going to have children. And without meaning to, she was suddenly crying and her mother had her arms around her, and was holding her, and apologizing for the pain and concern she'd caused them. They were both crying, but for once, the things Jan had said were cathartic, and her mother actually looked a little better. You don't even wear makeup anymore, Mom. You don't dress. Your hair looks awful. It felt good to be honest with her, and for once Amanda laughed through her tears and looked in the mirror appraisingly. And what she saw there was not pleasant.