Special Delivery Read Online Free PDF

like denial. There were always excuses, plausible things to blame it on, but the bottom line was she hadn't gotten pregnant and they had tried more than he was admitting.
    I just want to know if something is wrong. Maybe we're both fine, or maybe it's me. I want to know so we can deal with it. That's all, is that so much to ask? Her eyes filled with tears as she said it, and he sighed, looking at her.
    Why don't you have him check you out? And by the time he does, you'll probably be pregnant. But she no longer thought so, it had been just over a year and a half since they started trying, and even her gynecologist was concerned now, and had urged her to explore it further, if she was serious about having a baby. She didn't tell Paul she had been to see the specialist alone three weeks before, and so far he had found nothing wrong with her, which meant that Paul had to go now.
    Will you go too, after I do?
    Maybe was all he would commit to, and with that, he turned the radio on a little too loud, and Jan stared sadly out the window. It was beginning to seem hopeless to her, especially given Paul's attitude.
    By August, the specialist had confirmed to her that there was nothing wrong with her, and that either his sperm and her eggs were incompatible in some way, or perhaps the problem, if there was one, was her husband's. But when she brought it up again, Paul was furious with her, he didn't want to be pressured. It was a bad time for him, his big deal was falling through, and he was sick to death of having sex on schedule, and then having her get hysterical two weeks later when she found she wasn't pregnant.
    Just forget it for a while! he shouted at her one night when she wanted him to make love to her because the time was right. And then he went out for a drink with his father. Jack was seeing someone new, an actress everyone had heard of, and he was in the papers again, almost daily. He also wanted more than ever for Paul to come into the business with him, which as far as Paul was concerned was out of the question. He felt as though everyone in his life wanted something from him.
    And in September, Louise and Jan tried to talk Amanda into a trip again, but got nowhere. She had lost fourteen pounds, and looked too thin, and she was still depressed and going nowhere. And by December, both daughters were panicked.
    We've got to do something, Jan said frantically on the phone to Louise one afternoon, two weeks after Thanksgiving, which had been ghastly. Their mother had cried all through the meal, and she was in such dismal shape, she had even upset the children. I can't stand it anymore.
    Maybe we should just leave her alone, Louise said philosophically. Maybe this is how she wants to spend the rest of her life without Daddy. Who are we to decide it should be different?
    We're her children, and we can't just let her live like this. I won't let her.
    Then you figure out something. She doesn't want to hear it from me. She never does. You're the favorite. YDU go to her house every day and slip pills into her orange juice. I think she has a right to live any way she wants to.
    Louise, she's dying, for chrissake, Jan said miserably. Can't you see what's happening to her? She has completely given up on life. She might as well have died with Daddy.
    I don't have the answers, Jan. She's a grown woman, and I'm not a psychiatrist. And frankly, I'm sick to death of watching her feel sorry for herself. I hate seeing her, I hate listening to her. It's pathetic, but she loves it. She's wallowing in guilt because she's alive, and Daddy isn't. So let her. Maybe in some sick way she's happy.
    I won't let her do it, Jan insisted.
    You can't bring her to life again, Jan. She has to want to do it, and she doesn't. Face it. For once in her life, she's in control of her own life, and maybe this is how she wants to live it. At least Daddy's not telling her what to do now.
    You make him sound like a monster, Jan complained.
    He was sometimes. To me