Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations Read Online Free PDF Page A

about it. (Pause.)
    Tableau .
    DEBORAH : We have any tuna fish?
    JOAN : I think I ate it. (Tableau.)

    The Health Club . BERNARD in the gym talking to imaginary buddies .
    BERNIE : So the kid asks me “Bernie, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The broad this, the broad that, blah blah blah.” Right? So I tell him, “Dan, Dan, you think I don't know what you're feeling, I don't know what you're going through? You think about the broad, you this, you that, you think I don't know that?” So he tells me, “Bernie,” he says, “I think I love her.” (Pause.) Twenty-eight years old.
    So I tell him, “Dan, Dan, I can advise, I can counsel, I can speak to you out of my experience . . . but in the final analysis, you are on your own. (Pause.) If you want my opinion, however, you are pussy-whipped.” (I call ‘em like I see ‘em. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't so.) So what does he know at that age, huh? Sell his soul for a little eating pussy, and who can blame him. But mark my words: one, two more weeks, he'll do the right thing by the broad. (Pause.) And drop her like a fucking hot potato.

    JOAN and DEB are out to lunch.
    JOAN : . . . and, of course, there exists the very real possibility that the whole thing is nothing other than a mistake of rather large magnitude, and that it never was supposed to work out.
    DEBORAH : Do you really believe that?
    JOAN : I don't know. I really don't know. I think I do. Well, look at your divorce rate. Look at the incidence of homosexuality . . . the number of violent, sex-connected crimes (this dressing is for shit) . . . all the antisocial behavior that chooses sex as its form of expression. Eh?
    DEBORAH : I don't know.
    JOAN : . . . physical and mental mutilations we perpetrate on each other, day in, day out . . . trying to fit ourselves to a pattern we can neither understand (although we pretend to) nor truly afford to investigate (although we pretend to). (Pause.) Come on, disagree with me.
    DEBORAH : I disagree with you.
    JOAN : It's a dirty joke, Deborah, the whole godforsaken business.
    DEBORAH : I disagree with you.
    JOAN : That's your right. Are you going to eat your roll? (DEB shakes her head.) Then perhaps I could have it. (Takes roll.) This roll is excellent.
    DEBORAH : I'm moving in with Danny.
    JOAN : I give you two months.

    DAN and BERNARD ‘ S office , DAN is filing . BERNARD is talking on the phone .
    BERNIE : . . . so then she brings the dog in. “What's the pooch for?” I say. “Shut up and watch,” she says. “You might learn something.” . . . at the Laugh-Inn. (Pause.) They're open all night. (Pause.) No, they don't. (Pause.) I'm telling you they're open all night.
    DANNY : They're open all night, Bern.
    BERNIE (to phone): I'm sorry. (To DAN ) What?
    DANNY : They're open all night.
    BERNIE : Yeah. (To phone) They're open all night. (Pause.) A guy in the office. So then she gets down on the carpet with the dog . . .
    DANNY : You want me to do these 11-13's?
    BERNIE (to DAN ): Yeah. (To phone) So I'm just watching at this point. (Pause.) I'm getting to that. So the fucking dog, and may I be struck dead by lightning, his eyes light up, and he starts to grin. . . . (Pause.) . . . a fox terrier.

    DAN and DEB are moving DEB out of her apartment . JOAN is in the background .
    DANNY : You have very interesting taste in music.
    DEBORAH : A lot of them are Joan's.
    DANNY : I'm sorry. . . . uh . . . (To JOAN ) uh, which of these are yours? You want to separate them?
    JOAN : Well, they aren't going to separate themselves, now, are they?
    DANNY : No, I don't suppose they are. Why don't you separate them, Joan? (Pause.)
    DEBORAH : Danny has a sauna in his building.
    JOAN : How nice . . . sweating . . . Do you use your sauna often, Danny?
    DANNY : I use the sauna from time to time. I'm fortunate in being blessed with the ability to sweat in the everyday course of events.
    DEBORAH (to JOAN ): What are we going to do about the television?
    JOAN :