Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations Read Online Free PDF

Do you want to take it?
    DANNY : I have a television.
    JOAN : Let me just pay you for your half of it.
    DEBORAH : You could send me a check.
    JOAN : I could give you a check. You're not going to California for god's sake.
    DEBORAH : I can pick it up next week.
    JOAN : When?
    DEBORAH : Whenever is convenient.
    JOAN : Can you come by Tuesday night? . . . (To DAN ) Can she come by Tuesday night?
    DANNY : That's very good. That's very funny. Now could you find it in your heart to take the table lamp and shove it up your ass?
    JOAN : Ah, that's very telling. On your instructions, I'm supposed to rend and torture myself anally. Is that what you like? Does Deborah know about this? You're moving out, move out.
    DANNY : She's moving out.
    JOAN : Well, move her out, then and the hell with you. (Pause. To DEB ) I hope you're very happy.

    BERNARD is at the office declaiming to some coworkers .
    BERNIE : Equal Rights Amendment? Equal Rights Amendment? I'll give you the fucking Equal Rights Amendment. Nobody ever wrote me no fucking amendments. Special interest groups, okay . . . but who's kidding who here, huh? (Pause.) We got baby seals dying in Alaska and we're writing amendments for broads? I mean, I'm a big fan of society . . . but this bites the big one. I'm sorry.

    DAN and DEB‘ S apartment . The morning. They are each getting ready for work .
    DANNY : Do we have any shampoo?
    DEBORAH : I don't know.
    DANNY : You wash your hair at least twice a day. Shampoo is a staple item of your existence. Of course you know.
    DEBORAH : All right. I do. Know.
    DANNY : Do we have any shampoo?
    DEBORAH : I don't know. Is your hair dirty?
    DANNY : Does my hair look dirty?
    DEBORAH : Does it feel dirty? (Pause.) It looks dirty.
    DANNY : It feels greasy. I hate it when my hair feels greasy.
    DEBORAH : Well, I'm not going to look. If you want to know if there's any shampoo, you go look for it.
    DANNY : You don't have to look. You know very well if there's any shampoo or not. You're making me be ridiculous about this. (Pause.) You wash yourself too much anyway. If you really used all that shit they tell you in Cosmopolitan (and you do) you'd be washing yourself from morning till night. Pouring derivatives on yourself all day long.
    DEBORAH : Will you love me when I'm old?
    DANNY : If you can manage to look eighteen, yes.
    DEBORAH : Now, that's very telling.
    DANNY : You think so?
    DEBORAH : Yes.
    DANNY : I'm going to wash my hair. Is there any shampoo?
    DEBORAH : Yes. And no.
    DANNY : Now what's that supposed to mean?
    DEBORAH : Everything. And nothing. (Pause.) Would you get my hose?
    DANNY : No. Where does this come from? This whole fucking behavior. You're making it up. “Get my hose.” You want your hose, I'll get your hose. Here's your fucking hose. (Rummages in dresser.) Where's your hose? (Pause.) What do they call them, anyway? Nobody says “hose.”
    DEBORAH : Pantyhose.
    DANNY : Where are they?
    DEBORAH : Get me some out of the laundry bag.
    DANNY : You're going to wear dirty hose?
    DEBORAH : I think I'm out of clean ones.
    DANNY : So you're going downtown in dirty hose?
    DEBORAH : Do you want me walking around with a naked la-la?
    DANNY : If it makes you happy, Deb. I'm on the side of whatever makes you happy.
    DEB retrieves dirty hose from bag and starts changing into them .
    DANNY : You make me very horny.
    DEBORAH : It's the idea of the dirty panties, Dan. You're sick.
    DANNY : I love your breasts.
    DEBORAH : “Thank you.” (Pause.) Is that right?
    DANNY : Fuck you.
    DEBORAH : No hard feelings.
    DANNY : Who said there were?
    DEBORAH : You know there are.
    DANNY : Then why say there aren't?

    DAN‘ S office , DAN is talking to an imaginary coworker .
    DANNY : . . no, wait a second. Wait a second. I want to tell you this. I know what you're saying, and I'm telling you I don't like you badmouthing the guy, who happens to be a friend of mine. So just let me tell my story, okay?
    So the other day we're up on six and it's past five and