Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls Read Online Free PDF Page A

will like as not wish to marry him. If she succeeds in doing so, her next task will be to domesticate him. Purge him of his nasty habits, mould him into a loving husband and caring father.
    This on the face of it would seem reasonable enough. It makes perfect sense. But it has a tragic downside. It puts an end to their sex life.
    Because a domesticated man is not a sexy man. A domesticated man, who does the dishes and cooks the dinners and hoovers the carpets and mends the fence and redecorates the house, is anything
but
sexy. There are few things less sexy than a man in a pinny.
    And so while he might be very good about the house, his wife no longer finds him sexually attractive. Because he is not the man she married. He is a pale and domesticated shadow of the man she once found alluring.
    And so while he is at home in the evenings, babysitting the kids and putting up a new spice rack in the kitchen, she is out at her amateur dramatics, being rogered rigid in the back of a Ford Cortina by her toyboy called Steve.
    Steve lives in a grubby bedsit.
    And Steve don’t do the dishes.
    Nice for the wife and nice for Steve, but what about the poor domesticated cuckold of a husband?
    Well, he’s having an affair with his secretary.
    So it all works out fine in the end.
    So there you have it, whether you like it or not. Manly men don’t do the dishes, that is that is that.
    Now, as well as dirty dishes, there are other things single men possess that married men do not. These are highly essential things and known as “toys for boys”. They include such items as an expensive motorbike, an expensive sound system and an expensive electric guitar.
    These items will vanish shortly after marriage.
    The expensive motorbike will be traded in for a sensible family saloon. The expensive sound system will end up in the garage, having failed to survive the assault made upon it by a one-year-old child with a jam sandwich.
    And the electric guitar?
    Goodbye, Stratocaster. Hello, Flymo hover-mower.
    That is that is that.
    Omally possessed no toys for boys. He would have liked some, but, having never done an honest day’s work in his life, for he valued freedom above all else, he knew not the joys of the chequebook or the loan that is paid back in monthly instalments.
    He had his freedom, he had his health and he had his dirty dishes. But he dearly would have loved that Fender Strat.
    When it comes to guitars, it can be said that it’s all a matter of taste. But when it comes to taste itself, it’s a matter of good taste or bad. And this is
not
a matter of personal preference. Some things simply
are
better than others, and some people are capable of making the distinction.
    When it comes to electric guitars, the Fender Strat is king. For sheer elegance, beauty and playing perfection, the Strat has never known equal. When it appeared upon the music scene in 1954 musicians marvelled at its ergonomics, its sonic versatility, its tuning stability and its pure pure tone. The sleek new body form, developed from the original Telecaster, featured the now legendary double cutaway, or twin-horn shape. The advanced tremolo, allied to the three single-coil pickups, allowed the player greater playing potential. The Strat was capable of doing something new. And something wonderful.
    One could spend all night singing praises to the Strat or indeed to composing paeans to its inventor, the mighty Leo Fender. That Mr Fender never received the Nobel Peace Prize during his lifetime and seems unlikely to be canonized by the church of Rome just goes to show how little justice there is in this world.
    And that is that is that.
    But Omally was Stratless. An air-guitarist he. Not that that fazed him too much, for, after all, he had no talent. He could strum a passable “Blowin’ in the Wind” without looking at his fingers, but anyone could do that and you don’t do that on a Strat.
    On a Strat you play rock. On a Strat you play the twenty-minute solo. And if you