Sadie the Sadist: X-tremely Black Humor/Horror Read Online Free PDF Page A

stand slowly, stare at my thumb. Blood spurts from the gash, reminding me of the water fountain by the break room. I feel no pain, only amazement, as red runs down my wrist and drips onto the concrete, joining rivulets of beet juice.
    I wonder how I’ll ride my bike if I can’t grip the handles, wonder how I’ll murder Justus.
    He grabs a wad of paper towels, presses them around my hand. His face looks green, but that may be the result of the fluorescent lighting.
    “Why are you laughing?”
    I shake my head. Didn’t know I was.
    The paper towels are turning dark.
    When I stop squeezing, my thumb gushes.
    “Keep pressure on it,” Justus says.
    Last thing going through my head before I conk out: No more shucking corn.

Recipe: Sadie’s Anytime Fiesta Dip
    In my opinion, any day that I don’t have to work is reason to celebrate, and though this dip is great for parties, I encourage you to make it for any occasion. For example: you scored two weeks off with workman’s comp, they fired the boss you hate, the neighbor’s dog (that won’t stop barking) got run over. Make life a celebration!

Fiesta Dip
    Ingredients and preparation: each grouping is a layer of the dip. Go in order. I like to use a clear glass pie pan or square baking dish to display each layer’s color. This recipe can easily be doubled.
Layer 1 :
    3 cans of bean dip (jalapeño); yes, bean dip looks like baby caca, but it’s high in fiber, and this dish disguises it.
    Layer 2 :
    3 ripe avocados, mashed
    ½ teaspoon salt
    1½ teaspoon garlic powder
    ¼ teaspoon ground pepper
    2 teaspoons lemon juice
    Layer 3:
    ½ cup mayonnaise
    1 cup sour cream
    1 package Taco Seasoning
    Layer 4:
    1 can sliced black olives
    Layer 5:
    1 small bunch of green onions, chopped
    Layer 6:
    1 tomato, cubed
    Layer 7:
    Shredded cheddar cheese
    Note : Most people serve this with corn chips, but I’ve switched to sweet potato chips or raw veggies. Sadie the Sadist suggests, if someone you don’t like has been invited to the party, smash their face into this dip and they’ll come up looking like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Bagging
    It’s been raining. Cooled things off and stopped the fires. Today the sky is clear and blue, the kind of day that makes me want to ride my bike from one end of the river trail to the other, or venture up the scenic highway into the mountains.
    Instead, I’m back at work.
    I brought Fiesta Dip and left it in the break room. But everybody’s mad at me, because of the safety record. I ruined it. Before Justus attempted to amputate my thumb, the store claimed to be accident free for over eight hundred days. As a reward, every fifty days Bakery left a big cake in the break room. But now, thanks to my so-called accident, the store is back to square one. Truth is, people constantly get injured around here: lifting heavy boxes, moving overloaded carts, messing around with box cutters and knives. They say safety first, but what they mean is: No matter how badly you’re hurt, say nothing.
    Justus had to report the incident, because I bled all over him.
    I got Workman’s Comp, two weeks off with pay and the store covers the doctor’s bills. The cut left a scar—on my thumb and on my psyche—but there’s no hope for a settlement, because Justus claims the accident was my fault.
    Liar.
    It’s my word against his, and I’m afraid if I say anything (like the lunatic attacked me) I’ll be fired.
    The good thing: no more corn.
    The bad thing: I’ve been demoted to Courtesy Clerk . Less pay, less respect, and a lot more garbage.
    They say Salad Bar is too much for me.
    Maybe they’re right.
    Liam thinks I should hire a lawyer. He says I should sue. But, if I sue, I’ll lose the job, and in this lousy economy who knows if I’ll find another.
    I used my break from work productively. It gave me time to think, time for Sadie the Sadist to incubate. The more I hang out with her, the more I realize how much we have common. For example, we’re both concerned