Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything Read Online Free PDF Page A

future-you took full advantage. He takes a little green pill once a year that restores him to the mid-twenties-you. And there’s a hat that gives you X-ray vision and the ability to turn invisible. Of course, future-you didn’t bring it with him because he’s kind of an idiot, too.
    You’re going to need to utilize the “ Gilligan’s Island Gambit,” so named because of an episode of the ancient show Gilligan’s Island. A show they no longer watch in the future. In the episode, Gilligan and his fellow castaways were forced to team up with the famed Harlem Globetrotters in a basketball game against another team made up entirely of robots. It’s a story as old as time itself. The robots were faster, and stronger than the Gilligan/Globetrotter team, and thanks to their whirring, conking computer brains, they knew the exact perfect play to execute at any given moment.
    I’m not trying to ruin the episode for you, but Gilligan’s team wins. They win by playing in an improvised, illogical manner that the robots couldn’t anticipate. The robots were so confused they eventually broke down … and that episode won more Emmys than any other television show to date.
    When facing future-you, select your next move, then do the exact opposite. Thinking of a right cross? Throw a left hook! Planning of leaping toward him? Get down on your stomach and belly crawl! Thinking of an uppercut? Uh, do some other thing that begins with the word “lower.”
    Remember, this person is you, so don’t go overboard. You don’t want to maim him, just beat him enough to force him to go back to the future, where he belongs. If during the fight, a brain in a metal case connected to three robotic tendrils shows up and starts yelling for you guys to stop fighting, don’t hurt it, either. That’s you from the way, way future. No, everyone doesn’t look like that in the future, just you. I’m sorry, there was a whole thing.
    HOW TO BEAT UP A MAN HOLDING A BOOMERANG
    A boomerang or “Brisbane Candlestick” as it’s sometimes called, is a curious weapon. It’s a flattened curved piece of wood or metal, that when thrown flies in a wide arc before returning to the thrower’s hand … WITHOUT USING EVEN THE TINIEST BIT OF WITCHCRAFT. No magic at all! Not even futuristic technology recovered from the wrecked spaceship of a life-form far more advanced than ours. It’s like a regular piece of wood!
    A foe with this weapon sounds formidable; I get that, but don’t give up just yet. This foe is fairly uncommon. There’s a reason most of your opponents won’t be utilizing this weapon. The reason is 98 percent of people who’ve ever heard of a boomerang don’t know how to use one, and, in fact, actually doubt that it works. Most people try the boomerang once. Then walk to the spot about a hundred yards off where the boomerang has unsuccessfully landed, pick it up, and never use it gain. Even more people get the boomerang as a gift from a friend who’s recently visited a gift shop. They thank the friend, turn the boomerang over in their hands a few times, then quickly begin forgetting that it ever even existed.
    But you could be dealing with the other 2 percent. There are some telltale signs. Like, is he wearing a gaudy costume with multiple pictures of boomerangs on it? Perhaps one prominently painted over the chest? Is he wearing a mask, and is the forehead area of the mask made up of tiny boomerangs where the eyebrows should be? Is his name “Mr. Boomerang” or perhaps Jimmy “Boomerang” Stevens? Then chances are he knows how to use a boomerang. You don’t put on a boomerang-covered ensemble for nothing. There’s a chance any “Mr. Boomerang” you encounter could have gotten the nickname figuratively, after exhibiting boomerang-like behavior in dating or whatnot. But, keep a close eye. If he’s holding a boomerang, feel free to rule that out.
    If none of the above is true, congrats, you may just be facing someone whose uncle