Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything Read Online Free PDF

recently visited Australia. Look for further clues. If they’re also wearing some sort of oil-soaked cowboy hat and are working in so-called Aussie slang, and they’re eleven years old, that’s probably the case. If they’ve got the hat but appear older and look more like Paul Hogan, check to see if you’re actually fighting Paul Hogan.
    Your opponent being Paul Hogan, someone from Australia, or a boomerang-themed superhero, increases the odds that you’re fighting someone who knows how to use a boomerang.
    First, try to get your adversary into an area smaller than a football field. Anything smaller is just too tight of an area for the boomerang to maneuver. If you accomplish this, you’re pretty much in the homestretch.
    There’s a moment right after the boomerang owner lets fly, sending the ’rang into a graceful arc, but before it returns to its owner’s hand, where the thrower turns into an ordinary foe without any weapons whatsoever. It’s like facing a gunman with one bullet, a bullet that needs to travel around three city blocks before hitting you. Strike during this period. At some point, turn around to see if the boomerang is about to hit you. It won’t be, not for at least a few more minutes. Keep punching your foe. Check for the ’rang again. If you see it, duck. Then resume the pounding.
    HOW TO BEAT UP A GUY NAMED LEFTY
    You gotta figure he’s a southpaw, so the standard rules for fighting a southpaw apply. Step to your left, keeping your lead left foot outside of his right foot, moving away from his power hand. Forget about your jab and instead throw the right as much as possible.
    (This is good advice for just about any time, regardless of where you are, and whether or not you’re even fighting. You should CONSTANTLY be pumping a hard right hand punch into the air around you, as you’re going about your day, at unexpected times, and with NO WARNING WHATSOEVER. A) for practice, and B) to make sure it’s working properly.
    Sound crazy? Well, tell me this. Would you get into your car before dropping to the ground and belly crawling under it to see that the brake line hasn’t been cut and is still functioning? No, of course you wouldn’t. Let’s not be ridiculous. Well, this is the exact same thing.)
    Now, what else does the name, “Lefty,” tell us?
    Well, for starters, he’s led such an uneventful, undistinguished life of middle-of-the-road averageness, that the fact that he was one of the 60 million left-handed people on the planet, was somehow enough of a unique characteristic to brand him “Lefty” for his entire life. Think about that. That’s what he did. HE WAS BORN LEFT-HANDED … and then sometime later, another—no doubt more accomplished—person noticed, and then dubbed him “Lefty.” Guys nicknamed “Red” pity him. At least they had to grow hair.
    Although … a second, more challenging possibility is that just the opposite happened. He was a stud. The best of the best who excelled in numerous areas. All in an attempt to rebrand himself in the eyes of his parents who insisted on continuing to call him “Lefty,” after they fell in love with the nickname at an early age. He thrived in many areas … but sadly, all his parents ever saw was a guy whose hand looked weird when he was writing.
    Number one at baseball!
    Slugger?
    No, Lefty.
    Number one at the gun range!
    Shooter?
    No, Lefty.
    Number one in kung fu!
    Some Asian word?
    No, Lefty.
    Despite his best efforts to shake it, the rage at carrying this half-assed moniker around year after year could have crafted a tenacious foe who will not go away easily. Whichever category he falls under, you’ll need to break him mentally, to beat him.
    Sidle up to him in a rowdy, crowded bar (the Double Deuce?) while wearing a large, red, clown wig. Shrug while exhaling in an everyman’s “I hear that, brother,” way. Introduce yourself as … “Red.” Then tell him your tale of woe, which will involve people calling you