Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything Read Online Free PDF Page B

Red regardless of all that you accomplished, or strove to accomplish in life. He will sense in you an ally, and a confidant. Possibly even a kindred spirit. His guard will lower slightly, like a car window to a shifty-looking panhandler the moment before a harsh, “Move it along, deadbeat!” is barked. His guard will be intrigued.
    After he buys you beer number six, when he’s good and soused, and totally trusting of his new best pal, turn to him suddenly and conk him on the side of the head with the palm of your hand. When he tries to ask you what you’re doing, conk him again. Conk him until he starts fighting back … I’m sorry, this is the right technique, but I have to admit, “conk” is just a fun word to say.
    During this fight, you’re going to set off a domino effect of insecurity and doubt within Lefty, that will render him an impotent, quivering mass of humanity. This is how.
    At some point during the melee, your wig will fall off. This is a failing of the clown wig manufacturers: Their wigs are just not made to stand up to a pounding. I guess clowns are pretty smug and confident in the feeling that most people won’t attack them; this will be to your advantage. As the wig tumbles off your noggin, Lefty’s heart will drop like a stone. He’ll realize he’s been had. But good.
    Lefty: “Why, Red? Why did you lie to me?”
    You: “Oh, I have lied, Lefty.… But the lie count is at two.… Not one.”
    Lefty: “WHAT???”
    You: “You see … my name’s not Red.”
    Lefty: “Whyyyy?!?”
    The waitress places a glass of milk in front of you.
    Lefty: “What about your lactose intolerance?!? Another lie?”
    You: (Dead-eyed stare, as you drink the milk.)
    That sound you hear is the fight going out of ole Lefty. Finish your food … and then finish him. The coroner’s report will read “subdural hematoma”… but you and I know Lefty died of a broken heart.
    Broken from punching.
    HOW TO BEAT UP A GUY HELPING A SCARED KITTEN OUT OF A TREE
    Oh, really? Does attacking a man helping a kitten sound horrible to you? I’m sorry, I thought we were in the “How-to-Beat-Up” business, not the “cupcakes and pretty unicorns” business. (Yes, I know the membership cards say, “Cupcakes and Unicorns Association,” but as I said, that was a printing mistake. Deal with it.) Maybe you don’t have the heart for this. Or the balls. Or the stomach. Come to think of it, I think you’re missing numerous body parts crucial to winning battles.
    If the mere fact that a man is helping a sweet-faced, fur-covered ball of heavenliness will stop you from punching him in the forehead, I’m not sure you’re cut out for this. I guess, if you really need motivation, you could imagine the man intends to do harm to the kitten. And honestly, who’s to say what he’s done in his life, prior to deciding to help out an innocent, sparkly eyed slice of adorable. He could be evil. Helping one kitten does not wipe out a lifetime of violence and tyranny (the judge was quite clear on this).
    The main point is, conjure the motivation you require because at some point in your life you might need to fight a man helping a scared kitten out of a tree. In fact, I can almost guarantee it.
    Wait for the man to begin climbing the tree before you strike. Kill time by milling about with the other concerned onlookers, occasionally looking up at the kitten and saying something like: “Man, it sure is pleasing to my eyes, how he approximates human emotions with his animal-head. It’s almost like he has greater intelligence than science tells us is possible.… That l’il S.O.B.… He’s got some nerve acting like a people, but I for one like it.” Feel free to read grammatically inaccurate sayings attributed to cats, as found on the Internet, in the voice of the stuck kitten: “I can haz booz and pills to bye-bye?” This will win over the crowd.
    As soon as the man starts climbing, quickly begin climbing the opposite side of the tree.