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news. Mum was relieved and happy. The inescapable truth is that she would have put up with anything because she could not bear being lonely. Mum’s sister, Auntie Heather, pleaded with her not to take him back and my mum responded by saying, ‘I know he’s a bastard, but I can’t bear being on my own.’ Although John had returned, I was no longersubjected to him sexually abusing me; but since I had no idea it was over, the threat was still very much there. He would still watch me as he’d always done, his eyes incessantly following me. And there was still our punishing schedule of ‘labour’ to be done around the house.
    Mum had been free of John for a year but rather than move on in life she had been paralysed by her loneliness. Of course, we all have moments of weakness when the familiar is tempting but I would never get into a relationship with anyone, old or new, simply because I couldn’t bear to be alone. My life is so full of other things – friends, family, work, new challenges and so on – that I don’t have a huge void to fill. I think this is largely a generation issue, though, as more and more women today give themselves permission to live the life they want, on their terms. Mum eventually married John on 3 July 1989. Apparently she told my auntie just before the wedding but only two people were invited. They were John’s friend, Mac, and his wife, Vera. Mac was a friend of John’s so Mum was able to have Vera as a friend. Despite the fact that Mum and John were now lawfully joined I have never called him my step-father. I cannot and will not do it. He is not a ‘father’ of any sort. He was and will always be my abuser.
    In my mid-teens I was still very young for my age, and my reserve and quietness didn’t help. I don’t think it was my natural personality but more likely the outcome of havingled such a repressed life. For that reason it was perhaps far more difficult for me than it was for my peers to contemplate such a major step as moving out. However, while I didn’t possess the self-awareness of a typical girl of my age, I had ambition and was very driven. I was a hard worker and more than anything I wanted financial independence. Money was tight at home, and although my father was fairly well off I would never have asked him for money. During the year in which John had left us, Mum had finally allowed me to leave the confines of the house so I could get a part-time job after school. I worked at the Beauty Box, a hairdressers in Biggin Hill, where I washed hair and swept the floors. The customers were mainly the ‘blue-rinse’ set and I didn’t really enjoy the atmosphere. I especially disliked the woman who ran it. The only reason I’d got the job there was because she knew my dad so it was a bit of a double-edged sword. After my stint in hair-dressing, I worked as a waitress at the Spinning Wheel restaurant in Westerham, where, although I worked hard, I was quite useless and finally left before I could be fired. I then briefly worked at the Flying Club at Biggin Hill, making sandwiches.
    Work, however humble, presented an opportunity to be part of the world, something that had been closed off to me for so long. It not only gave me a taste of financial independence but also a chance at self-expression. I know that many people would not associate a job with
freedom
but for me that’s exactly what it represented. Later on I went to work for Royal Doulton in their concession at what is now the Primark store in Bromley. I worked on Saturdays and during the school holidays, joining them full-time after I left school. I knew it wasn’t going to be something I would do for ever, but it was a start. I’d always enjoyed art at school and for a while I toyed with the idea of being a window dresser, but it didn’t really fit my vision of total independence and ambition. I’d read about all sorts of successful people and was determined to make something of my life. Staying at school was not