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an option, not because I wasn’t intelligent enough – I believe I was – but because the environment at home made me far too unsettled to make a go of it.
    Of course, one of the bonuses of going out to work was meeting people. A girl called Rachel, who I knew through the Beauty Box, introduced me to my first real boyfriend, Adam. He really was a teenage girl’s delight: 6 feet 2 inches tall, blond hair and bright blue eyes. He worked at the local airfield as a lathe operator and seemed very grown-up to me. Well, he
was
seventeen! It was all terribly coy at first, with Rachel telling him how much I fancied him, then setting up a date for us at the Flying Club in Biggin Hill which my father owned. I wore a blue corduroy skirt and white halter-neck top with red and blue stripes – which sounds a bit like some small-town cheerleader’s outfit, but at the time I reckoned I’d got it right! He danced me off myfeet at the disco and I thought I was in love. Thinking back, I have to wonder what he saw in me. I had no confidence, no personality and definitely no style.
    We ended up dating for almost a year, if you can call it that, since Mum said he could come to the house but I was rarely allowed to go anywhere with him. One day we fell asleep on my bed and my mother accused me of having sex. She didn’t even wait to hear what I had to say but just started screaming at me. This was someone who, in all likelihood, knew that her partner had sexually abused me so her attitude really puzzled me. But then most things were a puzzle to me. I knew about things that no child should know about, and didn’t know about things I should have been aware of.
    Eventually I did have sex with Adam but it was anal sex. He explained that we had to do it that way because he had been cautioned by the police for having underage sex with his previous girlfriend who was only fifteen. (We’d been together several months when it happened and I was then sixteen, over the age of consent.) I realise that anal sex is not everyone’s idea of a first sexual experience and it probably would have shocked me completely if I’d known more about sex. I’m also pretty sure I would have refused or been scared if I hadn’t been abused as a child, but as it was I had no idea of what I was doing, or what was normal and what wasn’t. Adam eventually found more excitement in the arms of an older woman and unceremoniously dumped me.My mother immediately came over all protective, was very angry with him and demanded that I return his Christmas present – a splendid bottle of Tramp perfume!
    Everyone knew I was upset about Adam so Dad stepped in to organise a blind date for me with a boy called Martin Thomas who worked as a petrol-pump attendant. We were to go to the Biggin Hill Flying Club dinner dance and I was so excited because this really was a big occasion. I wore a pretty white dress, and Martin, who I thought looked like John Travolta, did not disappoint me. After the dinner dance we saw each other regularly and I often stayed at his house, which was not far away in Biggin Hill Valley. My mother didn’t like him, though, and she made it very clear how she felt about us being together. One day as I was strolling up to the airfield where Martin worked part-time behind the bar at one of the flying clubs, a car pulled up beside me. Inside were Mum, my grandma Hunt – my mum’s mum, and Vanessa. Mum jumped out and just started screaming at me. Apparently my grandma had picked up a pair of my jeans and some condoms had fallen out of the pocket. Mum didn’t stop to think that they might be a good thing – she just went ballistic then drove off again at great speed.
    Martin and I had a good relationship and we connected with each other in every way. After my strange sexual experience with Adam I was at last in a secure relationship where I could enjoy sex, and I made sure I did.
    When we first had sex I remember it wasn’t a conscious decision but the time just