Pet Peeve Read Online Free PDF Page B

with a sword, and the dummy flew into pieces.
    The figure paused as they approached. From up close Goody saw that it was indeed female, with a metallic halter and skirt, helmet, gauntlets, and spiked boots. The halter was full and the legs well shaped; otherwise it would have been hard to tell the gender.
    Wira appeared. “Emergency in the rose garden,” she told Grey urgently. “A querent got lost and stumbled into it, and the roses are slicing him.”
    “On my way!” Grey said. “Take the parody.”
    Goody took the bird, and Grey and Wire hurried off.
    “What have we here?” Goody's voice said loudly. “A man in a skirt!”
    Oh, no! The peeve was no longer nulled, and was having at the warrior maiden.
    She faced him dangerously. “You can't recognize a healthy feminist activist when you see her? Are your eyeballs clogged?” Now it was apparent that there was long hair piled under the helmet.
    “It talks!” his voice exclaimed. “It's alive! Who would ever have believed it? O the horror of it!”
    “So,” the maiden said, huffing into a larger size. “A mouthy goblin male.”
    “Oh, go chop some more kindling,” Goody's voice said. “You swing like a collapsing wall anyway.”
    Hannah's face curled into a grim smile. “Do you know what we do to mouthy goblins where I came from?”
    “Hug them and kiss them, honey pie?” Goody's voice asked sarcastically. “You sure couldn't damage them any other way. In case you hadn't noticed, you're not where you came from. No nice knitting needles here.”
    She advanced menacingly on him, raising her short sword. “Oh, really? I wonder how far your measly little head will fly from your body?”
    “Not far enough to get clear of the smell of you, you stinking sheep in wolf's clothing.”
    Goody finally got his mouth open. “Wait! That's not me talking!”
    Hannah paused. “You're starting to grovel?”
    “You're the one who should grovel, you piece of rotten cheesecake. What a gruesome stench!”
    “No, no!” Goody yelled. “I'm not saying it. It's the bird.”
    “Blaming it on the bird? What a sniveler!” She lifted her sword high. Its blade gleamed hungrily.
    “You're the sniveler,” Goody's voice said. “You're so full of snot it's sniveling on your shoes.”
    “Those are warrior boots, goblin. To protect my legs from flying blood.” She took careful aim.
    “The bird! The bird!” Goody cried desperately as he backed away. “It's imitating my voice!”
    “Are you schizo?” Hannah demanded, her sword quivering in its eagerness to strike. “Make up your mind. Are you a goblin or a bird?”
    “I'll give you the bird,” his voice said. “Right up your piddling pink—”
    Goody did the sensible thing: he fled.
    “Oh no you don't!” Hannah said. “I'll cut you into such small bits they'll never know you existed.” She pursued, taking much bigger steps than he could manage.
    There was a set of wooden bleachers set up for spectators of arena events. Goody dived under it, still bearing the bird.
    “You can't escape,” Hannah said grimly. She swung at the bleachers. Chips of wood flew as she chopped them apart.
    “Nyaa nyaa!” Goody's voice called in singsong. “You can't get mee, you effeminate biddy!”
    “Ha! We'll see about that.” She continued chopping. The bleachers were rapidly falling apart under the onslaught. In hardly more than three moments they were a pile of debris.
    What could he do? There was nowhere else to hide.
    Think outside the box.
    Goody flung the parody at her. Startled, Hannah paused. The bird landed on her raised sword-arm and perched there, insolently eying her.
    “Are you still here?” Hannah's voice demanded. “Why don't you crawl into the sewer where you'll feel at home, you ridiculous excuse for a goblin.”
    Hannah's eyes widened. “I didn't say that.”
    “The Good Magician is really scraping the bottom of the barrel to come up with you, you ludicrous imitation of a functioning creature. What made you