Our Totally, Ridiculous, Made-Up Christmas Relationship Read Online Free PDF Page A

Richard. I am freaking out. I have pimples in places where pimples should never be. I am going home after three years of avoiding that fucking cabin. I’m pissy, I’m stressed, and I am not the person you want to cross right now. I get it. You’re a liar. You’re a cheater. You’re a bad lay. But right now? Right now, I don’t give a damn. You are getting in that car— now ! I’m not kidding, you little shit. I.Will.Cut.A.Bitch.” I growl at him, watching his eyes fill with fear.
    “Uh, just to be clear... The bitch in this situation…?” he questions.
    “You. You’re the bitch, Richard.”I warn him with a look filled with death. He’s so lucky I don’t have superpowers, because he would be dead in an alley somewhere.
    Swinging his way under my arms, he squeezes through. “I’m sorry, Jules. I really am. But I’m gonna give you some time to calm your nerves. Then I’ll pick up the rest of my stuff.”
    Slam.
    He’s gone. He’s gone and I am past due for a mental meltdown. Oh my gosh, how can I do it? How can I go back to that cabin to see my sister, my one true love, and their love child together?

    So…ugly crying has been happening for the past twenty minutes, Hall and Oates She’s Gone is on repeat, and the gut-wrenching realization that I set myself up for yet another disappointing relationship is slowly sinking into my spirit. What’s wrong with me? Why do I fall for the ones who will never dive in for me?
    Hearing my phone ring, I rush over to it, hoping to hear Richard say ‘December Fools,’ and tell me this is some kind of sick prank he’s playing on me and that he’s really loading the car up downstairs. Unfortunately it’s not Richard. Oh how I wish it were the cheating liar. I listen to the ringing phone for a few seconds more, debating if I really want to answer.
    “Hey Mom,” I say in the most upbeat tone. If she hears a crack in my voice, she’ll know something is up and hold it against me for the rest of my life.
    “Hey, honey! Just calling to see if you two hit the road yet…”
    Glancing out of my kitchen window down to the street, I see where Richard’s car was previously parked. Nothing but an emptied space. “Uh—yup. Richard just pulled the car out of the parking structure.”
    “Oh, he’s driving? Wonderful. You know how your driving gets on icy roads.” Insult number one: check. “Let me speak to him really fast. I want to know if he wants chicken or fish for Christmas Eve dinner. Tonight I think we’ll just have the homemade pizzas. So let me ask him.”
    “Fish. He wants fish, Mom.”
    “Any allergies? Let me speak to him.”
    “Nope, no need to talk to him. He’s as healthy as a fox and allergy free!”
    “Lord, Julie. You could have let me speak to him on my own. You do know that at one point he’ll have to talk to us, seeing how he’ll be standing in front of us in a few hours.”
    No. He won’t.
    “I know, Mom. It’s just, he’s driving.”
    “Your sister and Danny arrived earlier. To tell you the truth, Lisa didn’t think you were really bringing a guy. For awhile, I agreed.” Insult number two: check.
    “Gee, thanks. Well, for your information, we are on our way right now.” Oh my gosh. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend!
    “Well, I’m glad. Little Olivia could really use a cousin sometime soon. Your eggs aren’t getting any younger, and I really hope you will look into that email I sent you about freezing them.”
    Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Three insults in less than three minutes! Somebody get the lady a prize!
    “Oh?! What’s that, Mom?! I’m losing you!” Covering the receiver I make the best static sounds known to mankind. “We—in—tunnel. See—later. B—y—e.” Hitting end on a telephone call never felt so good. Then it sets in. I told Mom that Richard wanted fish, which he doesn’t. He doesn’t want anything other than Hanna and her nonexistent babies. I hate Hanna and her nonexistent