Nothing Changes Until You Do: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Getting Out of Your Own Way Read Online Free PDF Page A

in our lives in both big and small ways. Do you ever notice that when you’re having a bad day or a rough time in life, even the people and activities you normally love don’t bring you the same amount of joy? On the flip side, when you’re having a great day or things are going really well in life, even the people or circumstances that might normally annoy you somehow seem much less stressful. In those simple situations, your perspective and your own internal state have a big impact on how you experience life, not the other way around.
    What if we put more attention on our own growth, evolution, and transformation—and less attention on trying to change the people and circumstances around us? This doesn’t mean that we’d stop caring about what other people do or say. It also doesn’t mean we wouldn’t give feedback to or make requests of those around us. We also wouldn’t stop working toward specific changes, goals, and dreams related to the most important aspects of our lives.
    However, by letting go of our insatiable desire to fix, change, and control everyone and everything around us, we give ourselves the space to focus our attention on the true source of our own happiness, success, and fulfillment—ourselves!

CHAPTER 4
    Remember that You’re Valuable Just Because You’re You
    A few years back, I started playing a game with my girls, Samantha (our eight year old) and Rosie (our five year old). The game goes like this: I ask them, “How much does Daddy love you?” They respond by putting one or both of their arms up into the air as high as they can and say, “This much.”
    I say, “That’s right!”
    And then, I ask them a very important question, “And how come Daddy loves you so much?”
    To which they say, “Because I’m me!”
    I then say, “That’s right, just because you’re you!”
    It’s a fun, sweet, and powerful game that I love playing with them, and it’s something I hope to continue for many years. I play this game as much for them as I do for myself. For the girls, I want them to know that my love and appreciation for them is not based on what they do, how they look, how well they listen, if they come in first place in the swim meet, if their teacher has good things to say about them in school, or any other conditions, expectations, and accomplishments.
    For me, I do it for two main reasons. First of all, as a father, I find it challenging at times to keep my heart open and to stay connected to my love for my girls when they do or say things that upset me. This game serves as a reminder that my intention is to love them unconditionally—even in those moments when I don’t approve of what they’re doing. This is often easier said than done—especially when my girls do or say things that I deem disrespectful, ungrateful, or worst of all, mean. The challenge for me is to stay connected to my commitment of unconditional love and at the same time give them feedback, boundaries, and consequences that will serve them well. This is, by far, one of the greatest challenges of parenthood for me.
    On another level, by saying this to my girls on a regular basis, I feel like I’m healing something deep within me that I’ve carried around for most of my life—the belief that my value as a human being is based on certain conditional, material, or external factors (accomplishments, appearance, approval of others, status, and so on). Even though I know better than to use these external factors as a basis for my self-worth and value, I find it challenging at times to let go of the conditioning and feedback I’ve received from the outside world.
    How about you? How much of your own worth do you place in the hands of other people’s opinions, material success, or other outside factors? If you’re anything like me, and many of the people I know and work with, probably quite a bit—or at least more than is healthy. The belief that we have to do specific things, produce certain results, look a