Not Looking for Love: Episode 3 Read Online Free PDF

beach forever.
    "I'll try," he says and he doesn't sound so harsh anymore. "But if I get a ticket, you're paying for it."
    "Yes," I say and wait for him to hang up.
    Cramps are coming in waves, like the sea rolling in, bringing constant, excruciating pain.
    "Murderer, do you know what you did?" the protester shrieks behind me. The woman in the black coat hobbles past me, trying to run, but unable to, probably because of the pain. I catch her eye as she rushes past, and for a moment we're joined in our pain and our guilt. But then she's gone, and I'm all alone again, the sky turning dark above me.
    A silver sedan parks in the street in front of the bench I'm sitting on. Then Scott's standing above me, and I can't look up.  
    "Are you coming?" he asks. He's wearing the same old Chucks he did on the day he saved me from Brandon at the mall, and his hands are stuck in the pockets of his baggy jeans.  
    I get up slowly, the cramping preventing me from straightening up all the way. Scott's staring past me at the woman protester and her alive children. I climb into the car and he gets in a few moments later, but doesn't start it.
    "What am I doing here?" he asks.
    I'm staring at my hands wondering, if I should even speak. I can't answer his question without revealing the terrible thing I did.
    "Is this your new car?" I ask instead.
    "No, it's my brother's."
    "Michael's?" I ask, wanting to keep the conversation going along this safe path.
    "No, this is my brother Andrew's car."
    He sounds like he's about to keep talking, ask me more questions that I can't answer, but I'm quicker. "Must be nice to have so many brothers. Do you have any sisters too?"
    "No, I just have three brothers."
    "Three, wow, I'm an only child." A motherless only child.  
    "Gail, why am I picking you up in front of an abortion clinic?" he asks straight out. He's staring at me, I can feel it, but I'm still just looking at my laced fingers.  
    "Can we just go?"  
    "Go where?" he asks, and finally sticks the key into the ignition.
    "Your place?"
    "Why?"
    I shrug, and tears threaten to spill from my eyes again. My hands are already a blur. "I…I…" but I can't finish the sentence.
    "Was it mine?" he asks, and from the way his voice sounds, I know he's not looking at me anymore.
    "Yes," I whisper.
    "And what do you want from me now? You want me to pay for it?"  
    "No. I just want you to take me home," I finally look at him from the corner of my eyes. But he's staring out through the windshield, and I have no idea what he's thinking. His eyes are black in this light, and his face is completely still.  
    "Where do you live?"  
    "Can we go to your place?" I ask. He can't say no, I wouldn't survive that.
    "I don't know," he says.
    "Please." I'm whispering, like I'm afraid of my own voice, of what will come next.
    "This is some really heavy shit, Gail," he says, still not looking at me.
    He's so far away from me, like I don't even know him, and I know I shouldn't have called him, but I had no choice, not really, only he'll probably never understand that because I can't explain it, and I've been so awful to him he doesn't even have to try.
    "I know," I say, tears streaming down my face now. "Because Sarah will never learn to walk now, never build sandcastles on the beach, and I'll never hold her hand, or read to her…."
    I'm shaking in silent sobs, rocking back and forth, tears gushing form my eyes, fighting back the scream.
    Scott's staring at me again, his face all distorted by my tears. "Who's Sarah?"
    "My baby," I wail, and then I'm crying for real and I'll probably never stop.
    "You named it?" he asks, his voice twisted in disbelief. "Why do you do that to yourself?"
    He wraps his arm around me, and I'm crying into his chest, clutching his shirt in my fist. He smells so clean, like a bed with freshly laundered sheets and his arm is so firm around me, I need never move.
    The beach is transforming in my mind, like my tears are rain washing the clouds away,