Naughty Nine Tales of Christmas Crime Read Online Free PDF Page A

covered in bandages and plaster, it had a human head—one belonging to a girl about my age. She was watching us with a strange, blank expression on her face, almost like she'd been hypnotized. When it was finally time to "feed the reindeer," Arlo went up and started talking to her. I wasn't going to enjoy my serial killer thriller that day—I was too nervous about Big Buck to worry about fictional psychos—so I decided to introduce myself to the human statue.
    "So what are you on? Codeine?" Arlo was saying as I walked up.
    "Nuh. Vicodin . . . and thome other thtuff," Mummy Girl mumbled. She looked even more glassy-eyed close up. "It helpth."
    "Got some you could spare?"
    Mummy Girl stared at him a moment, then turned her hollow eyes toward me.
    "Oh, hey, Hannah," Arlo said. "Becky, this is Hannah, the new elf."
    "Hi, Becky."
    "Huh," Becky said. I think that was as close as she could get to "Hi."
    "Becky just got out of the hospital," Arlo said.
    No duh , I thought. I figured she just came from the gym .
    What I said was, "Really?"
    "Yeah. She was in a really bad car wreck. Some nut cut her off and forced her into a telephone pole. Right, Becky?"
    Becky tried to nod, but ended up just wincing.
    "Umm-hmmm," she hummed.
    And finally, it dawned on me. This was the Becky—the first greeter elf of the year, the one who'd been in an accident with Santa Claus. Arlo had probably forgotten he'd already told me about her. (His long-term memory, like his short-term memory and his everything-in-between-memory, wasn't too good.) So I played dumb.
    "Was there anybody else in the car with you?" I asked.
    "Umm-hmmm." Becky moved her dazed eyes to Arlo again. "That'th why I'm heah. I wanted to tell you in perthon, Ahlo. Mistah Haney ith dead. He nevah came ou' of hith coma."
    "No way," Arlo said.
    "Yeth. I'm thorry. I know you two wuh clothe."
    "We were what?"
    "Clothe."
    "Huh?"
    "Close," I snapped at Arlo, barely resisting the urge to smack him upside the back of the head. Sure, Becky sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger on 'ludes, but still— context , dude! "You two were close ."
    "Oh. Right. Sure." Arlo frowned. "We were?"
    "Mr. Haney cahed about you, Ahlo," Becky spoke-moaned. "He wuh even planning an intuhven- — "
    "Well, ho ho ho!" someone bellowed.
    We all jumped—even Becky, who paid for it with another wince.
    Big Buck came swaggering up with Kev not far behind.
    "If it isn't my favorite little elf!" Big Buck boomed.
    "You two know each other?" I asked Becky.
    "Oh, we're old friends," Big Buck answered for her. "I dropped by to see Kev a couple times before they asked me to strap on the beard myself. I had to see the elf princess my buddy here kept jabberin' about. Man, he made Santa's Workshop sound better'n Hooters!" He leered at Becky as if her bandages were something from Victoria's Secret. "So . . . how ya' doin', Betty?"
    Becky looked as though she wanted to shrink into her body cast like a turtle into its shell.
    "Fine," she whispered.
    Big Buck leaned over and stroked her leg cast.
    "Good. You just keep healin' up, Betty. Then come see ol' St. Nick again when you're feelin' more limber." He winked at her, then turned and gave me a wink, too. "Maybe we'll make us a Santa sandwich with two slices of elf!"
    He let out a wheezy laugh—a hoarse, course, phlegmy sound that made me want to rip off his beard and stuff it down his fat throat.
    "Mr. Haney's dead," I said instead. I guess I was trying to embarrass him. I should've known that was impossible. You have to be capable of shame to be embarrassed.
    He stopped laughing, but his eyes still twinkled with cruel glee.
    "Oh, that's too bad. You hear that, Kev?"
    Big Buck's little sidekick nodded silently, suddenly looking shifty and nervous. The news actually seemed to shake him, which surprised me. Before that, I'd never seen anything on his ferret face but sneers and leers.
    "Well, this Santa's gonna be a lot more careful who he hitches a ride from," Big Buck said, giving