More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Read Online Free PDF Page A

grandson has swallowed a love potion. Do you have a book that has an antidote?
    BOOKSELLER: Why do you think he’s swallowed a love potion?
    WOMAN: He’s completely besotted with a girl who is not good enough for him. Not good enough at all!
    BOOKSELLER: …
    WOMAN: I didn’t really believe in love potions myself, you know, but now I’m not so sure.
    BOOKSELLER: I see.
    (Pause)
    WOMAN
(angrily)
: Kids! They’ve got all sorts of ideas in their heads these days. It’s all because of that Harry Potter!

     
    CUSTOMER
(looking at the history section)
: I’ve always wanted to be a prisoner of war.
    BOOKSELLER: …
    CUSTOMER: It sounds romantic, doesn’t it?

     
    CUSTOMER: I’m looking for that book …
Romeo and Juliet
. It’s about a fight between the DiCaprios and another gang. Street stuff.
    CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: Yeah. it’s the true story of Leonardo DiCaprio.

     
    CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy a book for a friend.
    BOOKSELLER: Sure, what does she like?
    CUSTOMER
(deep in thought)
: Well, she’s quite racist …
    BOOKSELLER: …

     
    CUSTOMER
(eagerly)
: I really liked
Fifty Shades of Grey
.
(Pause)
Do you have an illustrated version?

     
    LITTLE GIRL
(with her hands on her hips, talking about
Alice in Wonderland
)
: Alice falls down a hole in the ground because she doesn’t look where she’s going? I wouldn’t be that stupid.

     
    CUSTOMER: Are these books fire-proof?
    BOOKSELLER: … Nope.
    CUSTOMER: Well, that’s not very useful is it?

     
    (Phone rings)
    BOOKSELLER: Hello?
    CUSTOMER: Oh, you’re there! Thank goodness.
    BOOKSELLER: How can I help?
    CUSTOMER: I’m making a chicken pie from handwritten instructions, and I can’t read my own handwriting.
    BOOKSELLER: … Right.
    CUSTOMER: Could you check the recipe for me?
    Bookseller: … How?
    CUSTOMER: Oh! I copied it out of one of the books on the top shelf of your cookery section when I was in last week. I write a new one down whenever I come in – no point in buying the whole book when I can just do that. I was in a hurry last time so my writing’s a mess!
    BOOKSELLER: …
    CUSTOMER: I need to know what happens after I add the stock. Could you have a look? It’s the big black book, with gold lettering on the spine.
    BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid I sold that book earlier today.
    CUSTOMER: What? But … but I need it! Why didn’t you stop them taking it?

     
    CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on how to identify swingers?

     
    CHILD: What’s your oldest book?
    BOOKSELLER:
We have a set of books from 1776.
    CHILD: Wow … That’s nearly as old as grandma!

     
    CUSTOMER: Do you have any audiobooks in Chinese? I want them for my six year old son.
    BOOKSELLER: I don’t think we do. Does your son speak Chinese?
    CUSTOMER: No.
    BOOKSELLER: … Are you looking for an audiobook to help him learn Chinese?
    CUSTOMER: He doesn’t need to learn it; I just want a story in Chinese for him to listen to.
    BOOKSELLER: But … how will he understand it?
    CUSTOMER
(frustrated)
: Look, there’s a billion people who can understand Chinese on this planet. Are you saying my son is stupid?

     
    CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of
Jane Eyre
? We’re doing it in our book club.
    BOOKSELLER: Sure. I’ll just get you a copy.
    CUSTOMER: Thanks. You know, I go to this book club thing, but I really hate reading.
    BOOKSELLER: So … why do you go to the book club?
    CUSTOMER: I don’t know, really.
(Pause)
. To make things easier, I bought a book called
How To Talk About Books You Haven’t Read
.
    BOOKSELLER: Yeah?
    CUSTOMER: Yeah.
(Pause)
. I didn’t read it.

     
    CUSTOMER: I bought this book last week, and I’d like to return it.
    BOOKSELLER: I just saw you pick this book up from the shelf and bring it to the desk. You didn’t buy it last week.
    CUSTOMER
(looking shifty)
: I did!
    BOOKSELLER: … No, you didn’t.
    CUSTOMER: … OK. Fine. I didn’t.
    BOOKSELLER: So, can you put the book back on the shelf?
    CUSTOMER
(angrily)
: Wait a minute; I might want to buy it.