Mealtimes and Milestones Read Online Free PDF Page A

which I don’t deserve?
    I talked with one of the nurses between snacks and tea. I said that I found going to church really helpful because it got me through breakfast, but afterwards I felt a huge burden of pressure to
go on eating to prove that I’d deserved to go, but also pressure from my anorexia not to eat . I really want to get better, I know I do, but I can’t. I just can’t.
There’s no hope for me. It is pointless trying because it is just going to be another thing on the long list of things that I am going to fail at. It doesn’t make sense when people say
differently.
    I was worried about tea because I just kept reflecting on what I had eaten, and it seemed so daunting that yet again I was going to have to force more food inside me. It’s fuel, but also
my poison. The nurse reassured me that I can only do my best, but I didn’t want to let that train of thought make me not eat anything, because I know that it’s just going to be fed to
me through a tube anyway.
    It was sandwiches for tea. It was as hard as I expected. I kept adding up all the food in my stomach, all that repulsive, toxic, sickly stuff that you have to put inside you. I didn’t want
my pudding given to me. I couldn’t even look at the food because it terrified me so much. I could see what I had to do. It’s a natural process, but it was all too much. Just the one
sandwich seemed like a mountain on a plate. I have this very strong image in my head which has been with me for a very long time and therefore is deeply planted in my head. It’s of a flat
abdomen – it’s already full of your guts and stomach, so eating just expands it, and that’s exactly why I don’t want to eat.

    A letter from one of my school friends
    Before evening snacks I got talking to one of the other young people which I really enjoyed and we were able to share our experiences. She finds it hard to go into the dining room, so I offered
to hold her hand, and I sat with her and offered her support. I enjoyed the evening because we could relate to each other and exchange support. It upsets me that such a lovely girl is struggling
with this illness. It’s a stupid, destroying illness which no one should have to go through, but this is what I deserve, so I just have to live with that.
    Monday 13 August
    It was weighing today. It’s always so hard, but today I was quietly confident that I had lost weight. Even though the hospital didn’t want that, I want to feel
like my efforts of starvation have paid off. And they had, so I finally felt proud of myself, something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I know in the back of my mind that I can’t be
proud of this, but I am, and I can’t help this.
    The first activity at Willen Lake was ‘Katakanu’. It’s a six-person canoe. It was really good fun, but it brought back feelings about exercise, and how I’m not allowed to
do much now. I found it really frustrating, because it made me just want to go running and let all my troubles fall away, but I managed to put these thoughts out of my mind and I was just thankful
to be out of the hospital for a day.
    We sat down on the grass to have lunch. I hadn’t been to Willen Lake before, and this was my first meal out in public. One nurse positioned herself so people couldn’t see my tube,
which was helpful. I couldn’t manage it all, I couldn’t find the motivation. Technically, because I didn’t eat everything and wasn’t up to date, I wasn’t allowed to go
on the low ropes, but the decision was made to let me go anyway. Although I was grateful, it made me wonder – does it mean I can get away with other things as well?
    The low ropes course reminded me a bit of my struggle with anorexia. The whole course was hard, but some bits were so hard that I needed help and support from other people to be able to cross
the bridge and continue on.
    We had snacks on the bus back, but I completely shut down. I had eaten enough to be able to participate and