Mealtimes and Milestones Read Online Free PDF Page B

mind is just so one-sided. So we agreed that I could have my time on my own, but then I should go and discuss my thoughts with a staff member.
    I carried on the evening feeling captured and bewildered by my thoughts and kept having small outbursts of tears. I’m due for my first review tomorrow. I keep wondering how it will go.
I’m a bit scared – what are they going to say?
    Thursday 16 August
    All my feelings came up after lunch, so I went out with one of the therapeutic care workers. We went out of the dining room and sat on the stairs. My feelings about
killing myself were back and I couldn’t control them. They prowled inside my head, and captured any last bit of hope that I had. She was going to talk to someone higher up, to discuss what to
do because she said I needed more support in dealing with my feelings. I didn’t want her to tell anyone, though. I don’t want to get help with my feelings, I don’t want them to go
away. I want them to stay and come true.
    I also had my first review today. My parents and out-patient team came in and discussed my progress, and the best way forward for me. 14 They told me that
they had talked about my tube, and making sure that there is good communication with my out-patient team. I asked how long I was going to be here. They said that they weren’t sure, but I was
ill enough to be in hospital at the moment, and I had another review in six weeks, so it was going to be at least till October.
    I had family therapy 15 afterwards, which I think was really beneficial. We all sat there in silence at first, I didn’t want to say what was
bothering me, but I couldn’t hold it in and I knew it had to be said.
    ‘I’m sorry to my parents because every time I see them I feel angry, and I don’t know what I can do to stop it, because I shouldn’t feel it towards them, but it just
comes. I know that it is partly because you are quite “lovey-dovey” and I just don’t appreciate it. I know I should, but I can’t accept it. Like on Saturday for example, I
think we exchanged four hugs and kisses. This just wound me up because I’m so self-conscious about my body and I don’t appreciate more physical things than necessary, and I would be
more grateful for a quick good-bye. I want to prove my self-sufficiency and not to be oppressed by my parents.’
    We then explored why I can’t accept affection and talked about how sometimes we all need people to fall on in troubling times. Also, why I can’t express my anger, and why I think
that it is such a great sin. I think it’s probably to do with the same connection that I have with ‘thin = happiness’ so that for me ‘anger = bad’. I suppose I need to
somehow change this thought process, but it seems so logical to me.
    Friday 17 August
    Today started badly after I was told that I was back on observation for an hour after each meal, and after snacks as well if necessary. 16 I hate it. I don’t want staff to be with me. I don’t want them coming to the toilet with me to make sure I don’t make myself sick, or do something even worse.
I was so angry and upset that I couldn’t face participating in the morning activity.
    ‘See, even THEY are punishing you now. They are doing this to you because you are talking to them.’
    It was true; I am now enraged by myself because if I hadn’t shared any of my feelings then I wouldn’t be in this situation. See, there’s the proof that sharing negative
feelings does mean that you get punished. I was already being crushed by my thoughts, and now the staff were crushing me too.
    My coping method is starving myself, so for this reason my motivation to eat was totally cut off, and I didn’t manage any snacks in the morning or afternoon, and had no fluids all day. For
me, eating food is just another thing to worry about, another thing to bombard my head with.
    In a key session 17 I had to go through magazines and cut out words or pictures which I felt related to me, or the