Mealtimes and Milestones Read Online Free PDF

now I couldn’t do any more. I feel bad for doing this, though, because I should
still keep my motivation up, and not give up like that. I shut down as well at tea. The nurses had warned me about becoming reliant on the tube, and now it was coming true. I figured that I was
going to be fed anyway, so what was the point in eating and facing all the emotions that come with it? Eating is only there to keep you alive, and I don’t want to be alive.
    Tuesday 14 August
    We were going to the cinema today, and I felt so much pressure to complete my lunch. Was it really going to be worth it? Is it worth all the anxieties for a few hours
watching a film? I didn’t know, but I had to at least give myself the opportunity. I cried and cried the whole way through lunch. They were tears of frustration, fear, sorrow and pain.
    We watched Evan Almighty. I had loads of emotions again about going out in public. What would people be thinking about my tube? Would they think that I was dying? It didn’t look
that dramatic, but that’s what I wanted people to think, because that’s what I want to happen.
    We had to have afternoon snacks later than usual; I only managed a few dried apricots. I had decided before that I would only eat that much, and when I do this I absolutely can’t eat any
more because otherwise I will be punished by the voice, and I’d rather not eat anything than be bad and get punished.
    After tea my key worker asked me whether I would rather try and make up my intake orally at eight o’clock or just get it tubed now. What a decision. Part of me
enjoyed the tube, part of me hated the tube, part of me knew that I couldn’t and wouldn’t make it up at eight o’clock, but part of me wanted to try. I eventually decided that I
would rather that it was just done now, because then it’s over and done with. So that’s what happened.
    TEXT MESSAGE:
    Everyone here in the village is thinking of you and is wishing you well. You don’t realize what a beautiful person you are – just as you are. Of every young
     person I know, YOU are the one who can go out into the world, take it by the scruff of the neck, and do whatever you want to do and succeed. When you get yourself fit and strong again you can
     achieve anything you want. Hope you are back home very soon. xxx
    Wednesday 15 August
    I had a really positive attitude today. I don’t know what changed, but it was just there. I was going to eat everything and get the tube out. It was going really
well until tea, but then the plate of food that came out in front of me was huge, it was too much.
    The voice kept talking to me:
    ‘You can’t do it. If you do eat it you know that I will punish you.’
    I cried and cried all through it, and when pudding came it just made it all worse because I had just climbed one mountain and now I would have to climb another one.
    I finished, but I just had to get out of the dining room, and I locked myself in the toilet again. I didn’t know what to do, I was being backed into a corner and suffocated by my feelings,
I just wanted to scream, I was breathing quick, deep breaths and my heart was pounding, it felt like it was going to jump right out of my chest. I began to scratch at an area on my wrist until it
was all red. I’ve never done anything like that before, but I was too lost and confused and I didn’t know how else to help myself or let others help me. Punishment is what I need.
    I spoke to my case manager 13 because she could see that I had been crying. She wondered what staff could do to help me after meals. I don’t know
though, I don’t know anything. I know that I like to be alone, which is true. It gives me a chance to organize myself and drift away. She said that it often wasn’t healthy to be on your
own because you can often just get deeper into your negative thoughts. Especially when I feel so depressed and think that I don’t deserve anything, I’m basically trying to fight a
losing battle because my