Marry Me Read Online Free PDF Page A

there to be.’

COMMITMENT
    My bride had invited a number of her exes to our wedding, and as she walked down the aisle I could see she was flashing them coquettish smiles, waving to them, and winking. I started to feel a little concerned that she wasn’t ready to move on to a new level of commitment, but I needn’t have worried. When she reached the altar she asked the vicar to wait for a moment while she delivered a short speech. ‘There are several men in here with whom I have had sexual encounters,’ she said, ‘but I want you all to know that I’m going to be taking my marriage very seriously. Though there may be some residual attraction between us, it’s very important for you to understand that I will never act on it.’
    It was so sweet of her to give me this reassurance, but as I looked out at the faces of the men she had known I had a feeling that not all of them were as convinced as I was by her declaration.

IN COMMON
    Midnight told me she was calling off our engagement, and I did what I could to talk her out of it. ‘But we have so much in common,’ I spluttered. ‘We both like spring meadows and autumn leaves; we read the same poets and admire the same artists and musicians. And what about Spaniels?’ I cried in desperation. ‘We both love Spaniels, don’t we?’
    â€˜That’s the trouble,’ she said. ‘I think they’re O.K., but I’m not crazy about them. It’s the same with the other stuff—there’s nothing wrong with any of it, but it’s all more your thing than mine.’

TEST
    I opened my front door to find my girlfriend standing there. I was delighted to see her, and invited her in for a coffee. As the kettle boiled, she came straight out with the reason for her visit: she had come to tell me she was pregnant. I was stunned, but overjoyed.
    â€˜Don’t you worry,’ I said, throwing my arms around her and holding her tight. ‘I’ll be here for you and the baby. In fact, why don’t we get married?’ I’d been thinking about asking her for ages, but the right moment had never arisen. Now the time couldn’t have seemed more perfect. ‘We’ll be a family.’
    She started laughing. ‘That’s so funny,’ she said. ‘You’re the fourth one to use those exact words, and I’ve still got . . .’ she pulled a list from her pocket, and counted, ‘. . . eight to go.’ She pinched my cheeks. ‘You’re all so sweet,’ she said, then she stopped laughing, and lowered her eyes. ‘I’ll say to you what I said to the others—just take the test, and if it’s yours I’ll think about it.’

NEST
    When I told my fiancée I was cancelling the wedding, I was quick to alert her to the upside of the situation. ‘Just think of all the money you’ll save by not being with me,’ I said. ‘With all those nights in alone in front of the television, you’ll be able to build up quite the nest egg. All you’ll be wearing is pyjamas, and as long as you stick to supermarket brand ice cream, rather than the fancy stuff, you’ll have a decent lump sum in no time at all.’

WORST
    My wife told me that she and her friends had voted me the worst at sex out of all their husbands. ‘But how could they know?’ I asked.
    â€˜I told them about that thing you do with your fingers,’ she said. ‘That thing you think I really like. They couldn’t stop laughing; they thought it was hilarious.’

JE NE SAIS QUOI
    The time came for me to tell my fiancée I had found somebody new, and that I was breaking things off with her. ‘I can’t be engaged to you and going out with her at the same time,’ I explained. ‘It doesn’t feel right.’
    Frantic, she started to list her own qualities in the hope that I would realise what I was throwing away and come to my senses. It