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didn’t work, though. I was adamant that I liked the other girl more, and I wouldn’t back down. At last, she accepted that it was over. ‘I suppose she’s really beautiful, and I just can’t compete,’ she sobbed.
    â€˜Well, that’s the funny thing,’ I replied. ‘Technically, you’re a lot better-looking than she is, but I still like her more. It’s a
je ne sais quoi
thing, I suppose.’
    She insisted I take her to have a look at the new girl. We hid in some bushes near her house, and watched her through binoculars. ‘Wow,’ said my ex-fiancée. ‘Are you serious? You’re leaving
me
for
her
?’
    â€˜I know,’ I said. ‘It’s weird.’

ANNIVERSARY
    On our first anniversary I held Maranatha’s hand, looked into her eyes and told her that even though I wouldn’t have thought it possible I loved her even more deeply than I had on our wedding day.
    â€˜It’s funny,’ she said. ‘I’ve gone
completely
the other way. Come to think of it, I’m amazed I’ve stayed as long as I have. There’s
no way
I’m going to be here next year.’

HAPPINESS
    Every girl I had ever cared about had gone away, and I knew Alanta would, too. From the moment we met I braced myself for her departure, but as I waited for the axe to fall, my love for her grew deeper and deeper. It got to the point where I couldn’t imagine life without her. Gathering all my courage, but expecting the worst, I asked her to marry me.
    I couldn’t believe it when she said yes.
    As we stood before the altar, she looked at me with eyes that seemed to be overflowing with happiness, but deep down I knew she would make a run for it at the last minute. The time came for the vows, and she said them all the way through. She let me put the ring on her finger, and when she kissed me a tear came to her eye. As our lips parted, she softly whispered,
I love you
. It was strange. It was almost as if she really meant it.

ANDROIDS
    My fiancée had always been keen on science fiction, and when she suggested we dress as androids on our wedding day I knew how happy it would make her, so I was glad to go along with it. I found myself waiting nervously at the altar in my Cyberman costume, and when I saw her coming down the aisle in her custom-made C3P0 outfit, my heart melted. Because of her helmet, I was unable to see the anger on her face. She stood beside me, and hissed, ‘A Cyberman? Cybermen aren’t androids, they’re cyborgs. Jesus.’ Her fury turned to dismay, and she began to sob. ‘I can’t believe you would do this to me on my wedding day.’ Then there was a flash and a bang and the smell of electrical burning.
    When they cut her lifeless body from her casing, the doctors said that her tears must have dripped into the circuit board and triggered a massive power surge. At the inquest they concluded that even an elephant wouldn’t have survived such a shock. The coroner, also a fan of the genre, expressed disbelief that I could have made such an error, and told me that I must blame myself.

ISSUES
    As our wedding day approached, my fiancée gently suggested that I get some counselling for my body image issues. ‘But, darling,’ I chuckled, ‘I don’t have any body image issues.’
    â€˜That’s the problem,’ she said. ‘Just look at yourself. You’d better get some—and fast.’

CULTURE
    I was delighted to find a foreign girlfriend, and even more delighted when she agreed to marry me. ‘It’ll be such a happy day,’ I said.
    â€˜Happy?’ she said, looking aghast. ‘I don’t think you understand.’ In her endearing accent, she explained that in her culture, weddings were not times of celebration; they were desolate affairs that marked the end of youth and freedom. She was determined to adhere to her country’s traditions, so a few