Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship Read Online Free PDF Page A

but they still had to deal with the problem. That’s why they came up with ‘Just do it!’”
    The reality that the low desire partner
always
controls sex put Brett and Connie on equal footing. They realized I wasn’t blaming or making excuses for either of them. I was simply describing the way relationships operate. Connie and Brett settled down, but I could see their minds working.
    Brett waded in. “So how am I supposed to handle the fact that the low desire partner always controls sex? Am I supposed to be happy about this?”
    “Feel anything you like. It won’t change things. You’re not the only person to struggle with this. It has sent generations of high desire partners searching for aphrodisiacs for their mate in hope of improving their situation.”
    Brett laughed. “Don’t think I haven’t considered that.”
•
The rule applies to more than sex
     
    Seeing that there’s
always
a low desire partner, and that the low desire partner controls sex in
every
relationship, calmed Brett and Connie. They stopped bickering long enough in our session to think anew about what was happening between them. But it wasn’t long before Brett started complaining about not getting enough sex. Connie, in turn, harangued Brett about not doing his share of household chores. I cut them both off.
    “Complaining about how Brett does and doesn’t do housework is no different than Brett complaining about how you approach sex. You can nag Brett to get some control over household tasks. But if you want him to participate, the partner with the least desire for household chores controls when, how, and if they get done. You can stop buying food and let the garbage and dirty clothes pile up to push him to take more responsibility around the house. But he completely controls whether things get handled
fairly and collaboratively
. It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about household chores, sex, or raising the kids. The rule holds true in any undertaking that one partner cannot or doesn’t want to accomplishalone. It’s particularly true when a sense of collaboration is important. The partner with the least desire holds the decisive vote.”
    Connie didn’t say anything for several seconds. She was shocked to realize she was up against the same thing as Brett. In an instant, she had an entirely new picture of her situation and their interactions. Instead of her usual thoughts of Brett’s behavior and feelings, she thought of possibilities she’d never considered before. She applied it to other relationships and saw how it held true.
    “I can see it now that you point this out. My sister Sally doesn’t like getting together for family gatherings and reunions, so events get scheduled around her whims. She always shows up in a bad mood, and everyone accommodates her because they don’t want to set her off.”
    I nodded, acknowledging she understood what I’d said. “You’re talking as if Sally enjoys the control this gives her. Maybe she does. Lots of people do. But in lots of couples, the low sexual desire partner doesn’t want control over sex—often times she or he feels burdened by it.”
    Connie nodded. “I know I feel that way about sex. Sally says she feels tremendous pressure around family holidays, like she’s spoiling everyone’s good time if she doesn’t show up.”
    Brett interjected, “I think Connie was right the first time, Doc. Sally likes having that control. I think Connie does too. All the women in her family are like that, even her mother!” Brett was angry about feeling controlled by Connie, and he expected her to apologize. This is a common problem for people who approach relationships primarily through their feelings. Brett had a hard time giving up the idea that Connie was “doing this to him” to control him because it went against his feelings. There was no doubt in his mind. If he felt it, it must be true. If Connie created an outcome, this must reflect her motivation.
    I said, “If