Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship Read Online Free PDF Page B

her.
    Connie didn’t accept what I was saying at first. Her subjective experience was that she was
not
in control. She felt pressured and powerless. Sometimes she had sex when she didn’t want it. How could she be the one with so much control? If she was so powerful, why couldn’t she getBrett to stop badgering her for sex? Connie finally got my point when she realized two important things.
    First, the LDP controls sex because his or her response determines when sex occurs. Over time, this control grows. How you experience this, and handle this, says a lot about you, whether you’re the LDP or the HDP. But it’s true whether you know it, or experience it, or like it, or not.
    Second, Connie finally realized I wasn’t going to turn on her and blame her for their sexual desire problems. She didn’t believe it at first because she felt guilty, and looked upon herself as a sexually defective person. Connie
did
look at herself through Brett’s eyes. This made it harder for her to believe she wasn’t ultimately going to be found at fault.
•
Something doesn’t always have to be going wrong
     
    As our session progressed, Brett and Connie became less adversarial. But they still figured something must be going wrong if they had sexual desire problems. Connie said, “Maybe no one is going to be blamed for being ‘bad,’ but I’m still afraid this whole thing will get pinned on me. Something must be going wrong for our sex life to be in shambles.”
    “What makes you think something’s going wrong?” I asked. Brett and Connie both looked at me as though I was out of my mind.
    “How about the fact we haven’t had sex in six months, for starters. Marriage isn’t supposed to be like this. It isn’t right for a husband and wife to live together without sex. It’s not normal.” Brett’s tone lacked the blame and condemnation usually directed at Connie. It was more shock and embarrassment.
    Connie asked hesitantly, “Can we fix our relationship?”
    I paused for effect. “No … because it’s not broken. From what you’ve told me so far, nothing’s going wrong.”
    “Nothing’s going wrong, he says. My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me, and nothing’s going wrong!” Brett was mocking me, but his tone was more ironic than hostile.
    “That’s right. For starters, things going wrong and things not going the way you want are two different things.”
    “Oh.” Brett had never considered this possibility.
    “Secondly, you can probably turn things around—and make them more to your liking—because nothing’s going wrong. If something odd or unusual was happening, it might be impossible to change your marriage. But your relationship seems to be working properly: It’s doing what relationships do when partners do what you two are doing. When you start functioning differently, your relationship will operate differently, too.”
    Connie said, “You’re telling us there’s nothing the matter with our ‘car,’ the problem is how we’re driving it?” I nodded.
    Brett had a curious smile. “My wife says she won’t have sex with me because I’m a selfish, insensitive lout. I’m telling her she’s a controlling manipulative bitch. We fight about this all the time. We don’t know if we’ll stay together. We already flunked therapy once. And you’re telling us nothing is going wrong?”
    “Yep.”
    “On what planet did you get your degree?” It sounded like,
“You’re pretty good, Doc!
”
    I smiled back. “The planet you’re currently visiting. It’s hard to get over the assumption that sexual desire problems mean something’s going wrong. That’s how desire problems have been seen throughout history—and probably before that. But shifting your perspective changes everything. It’s helped lots of couples, and it can help the two of you.”
    Connie looked truly relieved. “You really think nothing’s going wrong? I’ve felt inadequate for such a long time. It’s hard to believe