Incendiary Read Online Free PDF Page A

over the carpet and I burst into tears. My husband held me very tight and stroked my hair.
    —It’s alright love, he said. It’s not your fault. Anyone would be the same with all this stress.
    I turned on the bedside light and I lit one of my husband’s ciggies. My hands were shaking. The music from upstairs got even louder. The ceiling was heaving. Now the bastards were dancing up there. They were the NEIGHBOURS FROM HELL. I smoked the ciggie down to the filter and I threw it across the room like I never would of done in my right mind. I may not be a saint Osama but I am very house proud.
    My husband stared at me like he was seeing something for the first time. The ciggie landed where the carpet was soggy from the broken glass water and it hissed out. I suppose that’s when my husband made his mind up.
    —You know what I’m going to do? he said.
    —No. What are you going to do?
    —I’m going to quit the force, he said. I’m going to get out while I’ve still got my health and you’ve still got your marbles.
    —Oh god love. That’s brilliant do you really think you could? What would we do for money?
    —I know a doctor, said my husband. A police doctor. I did him a favour once back when I was in uniform. His boy got arrested for drugs. It wasn’t anything really. Just a few pills. The lad was no worse than anyone his age. I flushed the pills down the khazi. No sense in making trouble for them. They were a nice family. Anyway. This doctor. If I go and see him and tell him my nerves are shot. Well. He owes me a favour. He can write me a ticket.
    —Ticket? What do you mean a ticket?
    —Well, said my husband. A ticket means you go on sick leave indefinite. I’d still get 3-quarters pay so there’d be no pressure. I could find another job.
    —Oh god love could you really?
    —Yes of course I could, said my husband. I’m 35 years old I could retrain.
    I smiled in the dark. My husband. Leaving the force. I couldn’t believe it. It was so wonderful.
    —Oh god love imagine it no more call-outs no more stress. You’ll lay off the bookies and we’ll move into a nicer place and we’ll laugh all the time and watch the telly together in the evenings. We’ll watch whatever you like okay? And we’ll make a brother or a sister for the boy. Okay?
    —Okay, said my husband. Yeah. Okay.
    I smiled at him.
    —Come on love.
    —Come on where? he said.
    —Just come with me.
    I took him into the lounge and I pulled him over to the stereo.
    —Come on love. Help me choose a CD that’ll drive the neighbours mental. We’ll turn it up really effing loud. Give ’em a taste of their own medicine.
    My husband started laughing.
    —Oh you crazy cow, he said. I love you. How about Phil Collins?
    —Phil Collins. Yeah that would wind them up alright but I was thinking of something even more annoying how about Sonny & Cher?
    —Christ love, said my husband. We only want to piss them off we don’t want to make them lose their will to live.
    —Okay then. How about Dexys Midnight Runners?
    —Perfect, said my husband. You are an evil genius.
    We took the speakers and we turned them on their backs so they pointed straight up at the neighbours. My husband switched on the stereo and he turned the volume to max. My husband knew how to pick a good secondhand stereo. Ours was a monster. It used to be in a police pub in Walthamstow. Just the roar it made without a CD in it was brilliant. It was like a plane taking off. We giggled at each other. The upstairs neighbours were in for it alright.
    —Ready? said my husband.
    —Ready.
    —Contact! said my husband.
    My husband put the CD in. He pressed PLAY and we ran into the kitchen. We held hands and crouched on the floor. It was scary. It was like an earthquake the way the plates rattled when Dexys Midnight Runners sang COME ON EILEEN.
    When the song was over we went back in the lounge and we switched off the stereo. Everything went very quiet. Then one of the neighbours shouted from