In a Heartbeat Read Online Free PDF Page A

I’d done normal things. Still, I could almost imagine myself as a regular girl, wearing cowboy boots and riding through tall prairie grass on a palomino pony just like the one in the picture. Playing a game of catch with Kyle in the backyard. Walking across the stage to accept my high school diploma, then going to art school. Maybe I could do those things. Maybe I could live.
    Taking one last look at my room, I wiped my eyes. Kyle looked at me, but he didn’t say anything. Finally he stood up and gave me a hug.
    “Have a good operation, Meely.” Then he turned and ran to his room, kicking the cards from our game around the floor with his shoe.
    I walked out of my room into the hallway. I’d always loved the way our maple staircase wound from the second floor to make a sweeping entrance to the living room of our house. But walking had become a big thing for me the last couple of years.
    Dad had installed an electric chair along the railing of our staircase, a black vinyl chair that moved in slow motion. I called it the “electric chair” to scare Kyle. He was afraid at first, but later he stole rides in it when Mom wasn’t watching. I used the chair all the time now. But it clanked down so slowly that Kyle could run down and up and down the steps again before I got to the bottom.
    The chair had been the biggest change in our house. It was the final defeat. I never told Dad, but to me the chair meant death, as sure as if it were a real electric chair. It meant that I’d never get better.
    Rachel walked with me to the top of the stairs. I took a step down.
    “Aren’t you going to ride down?” she asked, pointing at the black chair.
    I shook my head. I couldn’t ride the chair down now. At that moment, I was done thinking about death.
    I took each step slowly, hanging on to the railing. Rachel followed me. I had to stop three times on the way down to catch my breath and rest. At each stop I gasped for air, feeling dizzy and tired. I probably looked more like I was eighty years old than fourteen.
    I felt my heart pound in my chest, straining to keep up. Rachel reached out to take my arm, but I nudged her away.
    The third time I stopped, Mom came looking for me. She put her hands on her hips. “Amelia, what are you thinking? We have to hurry. You should have taken the chair down.”
    But I was almost to the bottom. Mom watched, holding her breath. I knew she wanted to pick me up and carry me the rest of the way, all seventy-three pounds of me. Kyle already weighed fifty-eight pounds, and he was just seven years old.
    Mom shook her head. “Why are you doing this?”
    But behind her, Aunt Sophie was nodding, as if she understood. It wasn’t about hurrying. It wasn’t about pride, either, as Mom probably thought. I’d taken the chair hundreds of times in front of other people. I wasn’t ashamed that I needed to use it.
    I wanted to walk down the stairs because I wanted to feel my worn-out heart before they tore it out of me. This would be the last time I’d ever walk down these steps with this heart.
    Rachel promised me a new life with endless possibilities. I wanted that new heart and the new life that came with it. But first I had to leave the old one behind.

7
    EAGAN
    The only prayer I can think of has to do with the Lord being a shepherd and dwelling in His house forever. I’d settle for a shack or hut, but all I see is gray.
    Enough of this. I have to find a way back to my life. I start walking and even though I’m sure I don’t have a body, I feel my feet moving. When I look down, there they are. Skaters have ugly feet. Mine are no exception. They’re the same as always: the blisters on my left heel, the corn at the side of my right foot. Only the blisters don’t hurt at all. And something else: my feet are as gray as the fog. In fact, all of me is gray, even the skating dress I’m wearing. I blend into the fog like a single tree in a forest.
    I walk through the thick fog that seems to stretch on