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could actually write it on a piece of paper) and throw it out the window. Chances are that you’re not going to find a full-time position teaching philosophy at an Ivy League school to only the best-looking students, complete with three months’ paid vacation and a workweek that includes more hacky sack in the courtyard than actual office hours. And even if such an opening did exist, you’re certainly not going to stumble onto it while browsing Monster.com . No, you’re going to have to broaden your horizons and reduce your criteria to “nonlethal” and “within walking distance of a window.” More or less, any office-related position should be appealing to you, as it includes air-conditioning, a break room, and the ability to cruise Wikipedia listlessly in the vast expanses of time when you haven’t been assigned anything specific.
    There are the usual hot spots for finding such jobs—especially if you’re not picky about something entry-level or entry-level-adjacent—the classified ads, job fairs, the aforementioned Monster.com . And then you can turn to the less orthodox, if sometimes surprisingly efficient, employment databases, like Craigslist.
    What is Craigslist, if not a cesspool of all our most base desires and unfiltered thoughts, collected together like scraps on the world’s least-sanitary bulletin board, screaming out in all caps for someone like us to reach out and say that we’re not alone? Putting a job posting on Craigslist is like saying, “Hey, I’m a risk taker, and understand that my future employee is either going to have a facial tattoo, or be twenty-three and know literally nothing about anything.” No self-respecting forty-five-year-old who is looking to branch out into a different company in the same sector, interested in fielding a few offers and getting his name back out there, is going to browse Craigslist in his spare time while eating Cheetos and occasionally clicking over to YouPorn. CL is the bastion of those of us who aren’t afraid to include things on our resume such as Highly Ranked Redditor and Founder/Editor-in-Chief, Seattle Food Blog.
    The things you find lurking on sites like this—ones who include as many misleading links to phishing sites and porn as they do to actual job offers—can be as frustrating as they are endearing. Someone needs a secretary, doesn’t have a great command of the shift key, and put her actual cell phone number out there to be contacted by whatever dregs of society might happen to be floating by the Jobs: Full Time section at four in the morning on a Tuesday. It’s the kind of offer that is too uncoordinated to be fake, and, should you come across it during unforgiving day 534 of your job search, it looks like a succulent filet mignonafter a hunger strike. You decide to send a general cover letter, and your resume, along with maybe a vaguely charming e-mail. And perhaps, in some alternate universe, that would be enough.
    But this is today, in our world, and for every coffee bitch position available in an office in a big city, there are going to be at least five hundred twentysomethings clawing each other’s eyes out to get it. So you have to be creative, be persistent, and stand out from the crowd. Once you’ve culled a list of potential jobs big enough to survive a 99.999 percent rejection rate and still land an interview or two, you can start honing the craft of making your presentation stand out from the tidal wave of other people with nearly identical qualifications. (If five hundred of you majored in history, participated in student government, and worked 2.3 internships in the past three years, it’s going to require more than a saucy emoticon in the subject line of the e-mail to make you the candidate the hiring manager has to respond to.)
    And how do you make yourself appear in a résumé to be twice the professional, thrice the charmer, and four