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times the international man of mystery than you are in real life?
    It’s simple: You lie.
    Though perhaps not in the way you were told that lying would be when you were a child—all some clear-cut vision of “right” and “wrong,” something that is either absolutely one thing or the other. As with many things in adulthood, you will find that life is a veritable tapestry of gray areas, each point as open to interpretationand tweaking as the next, and your job is to make all those blurry lines blur just enough in your favor. For example, saying that you attended two meetings of a planning committee for the Student Association in which your primary function was ensuring that at least some of the budget was getting siphoned into alcohol doesn’t exactly scream “leadership skills.” But presenting yourself as Student Advocate for Allocation of Funds sounds distinguished, and vague enough to be “probably pretty important” in the eyes of whoever is reading this.
    Your internship? Downplay the part about taking people’s lunch orders and emphasize the one day you got to sit in on a meeting with legitimate employees. Your special skills? There is no sport, hobby, or activity you cannot pretend you are way more talented and experienced in than you actually are. If you say “advanced salsa dancer,” who is going to call you on that? Is the HR rep going to make you dance with her around the office like some busted version of the ballroom scene from Beauty and the Beast ? No. So make it sound as if you’re committed to something outside of work hours.
    As for the interview itself, this is where all those nebulous-but-oh-so-desired “people skills” come in. And what exactly are all these vaunted people skills? As I understand the term, they include the following:
    â€¢  Shaking someone’s hand with the right combination of firmand welcoming so that you appear to be neither challenging the person to an arm-wrestling match, nor offering the back of your hand to be kissed like some kind of Southern belle at a debutante ball. (It also helps if your palms do not have the humidity level of a terrarium.)
    â€¢  Looking people in the eye when you talk to them, but not so much that you look like an infomercial salesman on hour nine of the all-night telethon.
    â€¢  Being self-deprecating without being a Paul Giamatti character.
    â€¢  Taking charge of situations, or at least appearing to take charge of them while you browse Wikipedia articles at your desk.
    â€¢  Making light conversation that puts others at ease, and never feeling that terrifying need to keep talking when you’re nervous that leads you to ultimately reveal the anxiety-induced constipation you’ve been battling leading up to the interview.
    In reality, the interview will probably be pretty straightforward. You’ll likely get questions thrown at you like, “What is your biggest flaw?” This is largely an opportunity for that irritating go-getter from middle school SGA to say something like, “Well, I guess you could say I’m a perfectionist,” prompting everyone to projectile-vomit on each other.
    You’ll also be expected to discuss various aspects of your workexperience, the kind of person you are, what your future goals might be, and other topics that you can essentially tap-dance over with Exactly What You Think They Want to Hear. The truth is, there are no right answers. It’s just kind of a feeling that people get—the feeling that says, “This guy/gal is clearly the missing piece to our Accounts Receivable puzzle!” It’s an instinct that cannot be explained by science, and is largely responsible for the inexplicable business success of utter toads like Donald Trump.
    But what happens when you actually get the job? After clawing your peers’ eyes out for the chance at an interview, only to all but promise your