Have No Shame Read Online Free PDF Page A

blanket, lowerin’ me to my knees. I closed my eyes, willin’ myself to be in the moment. Allowin’ myself to. His fingers trailed down the buttons of my blouse, unbuttonin’ them one by one, then caressin’ the skin beneath. Shivers ran up my chest, a collision of desire and the frigid air. He pulled my blouse down off my shoulder, kissin’ each bit of skin as it was revealed. His lips were soft and tender.
    “I’m cold,” I complained, partly to slow him down, and partly because it was chilly kneelin’ there in the breeze.
    “I’ll warm you,” he said. The scent of him wrapped itself around me. He leaned against me, pushin’ me back until I was lyin’ beneath him. I could feel him pressin’ against me. With one hand he reached behind his back and pulled his t-shirt over his head, his hungry eyes lookin’ right into mine. His knees pushed my legs apart and I wanted to hate his touch, wanted to want to push him away because of what he’d done to those boys, but that hatred melted under his touch and I longed for him to be closer to me. His hand slid down my side and hiked my skirt up around my waist. He kissed my neck, sendin’ a shiver down my spine. His fingers hooked my panties, drawin’ them down. I hated myself for wantin’ him.
    A bird sang out from the tree, bringin’ my brain back to the surface. The breeze on my naked chest was causin’ me to shiver. I opened my eyes, listenin’ to the flow of the river, the bristlin’ of the leaves above us, Jimmy Lee’s heavy breaths against my neck, and I began to tremble. Byron Bingham. Albert Johns . Thoughts tumbled like stones into my mind, knockin’ me out of my reverie. I must have gone rigid, because Jimmy Lee lifted his head and looked at me with a quizzical, lust-filled gaze, like he wasn’t really seein’ my face, but he was lost in the frenzy of what he was doin’. I pushed at his chest.
    “Stop,” I whispered. My voice was lost in the image of Byron, strangled by the thought of Albert.
    Jimmy Lee laughed, tugged his jeans down.
    I turned away, a tear slippin’ down the side of my face. “Stop,” I whispered again, or maybe I just thought it in my mind.
    He thrust himself inside of me, groanin’, one hand clenchin’ my breast, the other clamped onto my hip.
    “Stop, stop.” I whispered. My body shook with each poundin’ thrust of his body. Anger rushed through me. I clawed at his back, screamin’, “Stop! Stop!” I kicked and fought against him, and he pumped harder, faster, as if he didn’t hear me.
    “Almost,” he said. “Al…al—”
    “Stop!” I found my voice and screamed until my throat was raw, my nails stripped chunks of skin from his back.
    He gave one last, long thrust then fell on top of me, pantin’. I pushed him off, cryin’ and shakin’ as I did so. I thought I was gonna throw up, pass out, die. I crawled away. He lay there, spent, lookin’ at me with a stupid grin on his face.
    I pulled my clothes on, sobbin’, strugglin’ to stay upright, and stumbled through the grass, toward the water. The breeze stung my skin. The birds sang out in a beautiful tune that I could not reconcile with the awful feelin’ bloomin’ inside me.
    “What?” he called after me with his palms held up toward the sky, confusion in his spent eyes.
    Hate blinded me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to run away. I wanted to find someone to beat him up.  The grass and trees swirled around me, pointin’ their branches like fingers at my guilt of knowin’ what he’d done. As he climbed back into his jeans, I ran past him, clambered back into the truck, and slammed the door, sobbin’. Curled up against the door like a child, I covered my face and waited for him to get back into the truck and take me home. I smelled like him, like sex. I had never felt so powerless and alone.
     
    On the way home, I remained huddled against the door. All I could think of was Mama, and how she’d kill me if she knew I was havin’ sex with Jimmy