Have No Shame Read Online Free PDF

Lee, and how Daddy might slaughter me if I told him I wasn’t sure we should get married. Jimmy Lee kept lookin’ over at me.
    “You okay?” he asked.
    I opened my mouth to answer, but all I could do was cry. How do you tell your fiancé that he makes you sick to your stomach? Anger simmered within me when he didn’t ask me again, or try to figure out why I was pullin’ so far away from him. I never thought Jimmy Lee would force himself upon me. He’d been rough with me before, but not like this, not like he ignored what I wanted. How do you tell him that the world you’ve lived in for eighteen years suddenly looked different, that you noticed sneers that you previously accepted as normal, or maybe that you—ashamedly—had also doled out? Jimmy Lee was hummin’ to the radio, his thumbs tappin’ on the steerin’ wheel like he was fine and dandy, while my world was spiralin’ out of control and I could barely keep my head on straight.
    My father’s truck was gone when we arrived home. Jimmy Lee leaned over to kiss me but I pulled back and hopped out of the truck.
    “That’s it? No goodbye kiss? I’m goin’ back to school. Won’t you miss me?” He looked so hurt, and the last thing I wanted was an argument. 
    “Sorry,” I said, and reluctantly climbed back into the truck. I scooched across the seat and pecked his cheek.
    “That’s more like it,” he said.
    Anger bubbled up again, but this time, I found my voice. “Jimmy Lee, I asked you to stop, and…” I saw it then, a look in his eye that said it all. Not only was I wastin’ his time tellin’ him somethin’ he didn’t want to hear, but he could no better understand what I was sayin’ than I could understand what he’d done to those boys. “Nevermind,” I said, and slammed the door.
    As I walked toward the house, I could feel my heart breakin’ into a million little pieces. I couldn’t bear to face Mama. I knew I’d break down in tears and have to tell her the truth. She’d surely kill Jimmy Lee if she knew he’d forced himself on me. Or had he? Had I led him on? Confusion drove me around the house to the backyard. I didn’t dare look at the windows of the house, or toward the barn or the garden. I didn’t want to accidentally see Mama. I ducked beneath the dryin’ line hangin’ from the massive oak tree in our backyard, and hurried toward the cellar doors, thinkin’ about how livid Daddy would be if I backed out of the weddin’. All he ever wanted for me was to be happy, like him and Mama, and I don’t think Daddy could understand how I could be anything but happy with Jimmy Lee.
    It was time to get my feelin’s in check. I pulled open the cold, metal doors and descended the stairs into the dark dirt cellar where Mama kept jugs of water, first aid kits, towels, and all sorts of canned supplies in case of tornadoes. The damp, earthy smell was cold and seemed appropriate given what I’d done. I quickly slithered out of my clothes and doused a towel in water. I scrubbed his kisses from my neck, his touch from my breasts. The water was cool, raisin’ goose bumps on my arms and across my chest. The blood rushin’ in my ears reminded me of his lousy, lust-filled grunts, and I cried louder, tryin’ to drown them out as I spread my legs and wiped his chlorine-like scent from within the soft folds of my skin. In my mind, my fightin’ him replayed over and over, and with it came more hatred, more disgust with myself.  I started scrubbin’ his sweat from my stomach, legs, and arms. I was pressin’ too hard, deservin’ of the pain, and hopin’ it would wipe all the ugliness of the last few weeks away. I scrubbed ‘til my skin was red and raw. By the time I’d finished, my body shook and shivered, my heart ached from loneliness, and my mind ran in circles. There was nothin’ left for me to do but slip my soiled clothin’ back on, sit on the cold step, and sob until I had no more tears to free.
    I washed my face, bundled the