Have No Shame Read Online Free PDF Page B

dirty towels together, and took them with me to the burn barrel by the barn, where I hid them beneath the debris. I hoped it might even burn away the memories of the afternoon, the alleyway, and the field where Jimmy Lee had stolen precious moments of those boys’ lives.
    The barn loomed before me, a big, wooden structure almost as big as our house. I walked through the double doors; the familiar smell of hay and the sharp odor of stored wood and fuel assaulted my senses. Memories rushed in. Oh, how I wished Maggie was here to help me with the way I was feelin’ about Jimmy Lee. I could almost feel her pullin’ my arm toward the stall where our old cow, Hippa, used to live. Mama had painted a mother and baby cow on the wall inside of the stall. It had chipped and cracked with age, and by the time Hippa died, a few years ago, it was nearly indiscernible. I’d cried for days when Hippa died. By then Maggie was too old to be attached to a cow, I guess. She didn’t cry, but when Daddy told me that it was just a fact of life on a farm, and that I should be used to it by then, Maggie took me up to the loft and held a memorial service for Hippa. Just the two of us.
    Maggie went away to college while I was still in high school, and I wondered if she’d want to hang out with me anymore, or if she’d be too grown up. I longed to talk to someone about Jimmy Lee, and I had no one to turn to. Thoughts of Jimmy Lee made my stomach clench all over again. I went out the back doors of the barn and sat against one of the tractor’s tires, shaded between a thick, old maple tree and the barn, out of sight from the fields and the house. I laid my head on my arms, and tried to wash away the thoughts of what I had just endured.
    The calm of the breeze and the familiar sight of the newly planted rows of cotton should have filled me with ease. Instead, I grew even sadder. Nothin’ felt right. The life I thought I had swirled around me with the realization that Daddy, who I treasured, was treatin’ people like machines, Mama, who I believed to be honest and good, was keepin’ secrets from Daddy, and my boyfriend, whose strength I used to adore, I now loathed. It was as if they all mixed together and whirred in circles, like a tornado of a mess unravelin’ around me. I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t want to move back. So I remained there, stiff and confused, with no outlet other than my own tears.
     “S’cuse me, Miss, are you okay?”
    I jumped at the unfamiliar man’s voice, and pushed to my feet. I’d never been approached by a colored man before. I was even more startled because this young man wore a military uniform. He stood so straight I thought he might salute me. My stomach tightened, my senses heightened. I fought the urge to run away.
    “I’m fine, thank you.” I took a step backward. They’ll rape you faster than you can say chicken scratch. I whipped my head around. My father’s truck had not yet returned. I suddenly regretted my decision to hide behind the barn.
    The man removed his hat and held it against his stomach with both hands. He looked down, then up again, meetin’ my eyes with a tentative, yet respectful, regard.
    “I’m lookin’ for a Mr. Tillman?” His uneasy gaze betrayed his confident tone.
    “My father?”
    “Yes, ma’am. I have a message for him.”
    I stood up straighter, suddenly feelin’ as though I needed to exert my strength and take control of the situation, as Daddy might. “Farmhands show up at five in the mornin’. It’s gotta be seven o’clock at night by now. What are you doin’ here?”
    He smiled, then shook his head. “My apologies. I’m not a farmhand, ma’am. My younger brother is Albert Johns.”
    Albert Johns . The night came rushin’ back to me. The way Corky had egged on Jimmy Lee and Jake. Oh, God, Jake . What had he done? I hadn’t even seen him since last night. “I…I’m sorry,” I said.
    “Yes, ma’am. Thank you. I came to let Mr. Tillman