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my chest was heaving. I kept staring at them. Their faces contorted for a brief moment. I looked at them for some sign of remorse, but there was none. Their façade was unshakable.
    â€œYou have no right to talk to us like that,” my father replied, “We’re your parents.”
    â€œGet out!” I screamed, pointing at the door. “Get the hell out of my house!”
    My father walked over to my mother, grabbed her by the arm, and led her to the door.
    â€œBe ready on time,” she said before disappearing, “We’ll come and get you.”
    They returned, as mechanical and exacting as a Swiss clock. They’d listened to nothing I’d said.
    In the state of exhaustion I was in, I didn’t have the strength to fight. Without the slightest hint of tenderness, my mother forced me to get dressed and my father shoved me into the car. In front of the church, I broke free of them and threw myself into Felix’s arms. From that moment on, I stayed with him. When the funeral cars arrived, I hid my face against his chest. Throughout the entire ceremony, he whispered in my ear, telling me about the past few days. He’d chosen the clothes they’d be buried in: Clara’s Liberty dress and the soft toy he’d placed next to her, Colin’s grey tie and the watch I’d given him for his thirtieth birthday. It was with Felix that I made the journey to the cemetery. I remained in the background until my parents came over to us. They held out some flowers to me.
    â€œFelix, help her to go over there,” my father said, “She has to do it. Now isn’t the time to be difficult.”
    Felix squeezed my hand hard and snatched the flowers from my mother.
    â€œDon’t do it for your parents, do it for you, for Colin and Clara.”
    I threw the flowers into the hole in the ground.
    â€œI came as fast as I could,” Felix said when he found me. “Let go of the roses, you’re hurting yourself.”
    He crouched down beside me, opened my fingers one by one, took the roses and put them on the ground. My hands were bleeding; I hadn’t even felt the stinging thorns. He put an arm around my waist and helped me stand up.
    We walked through the cemetery until we came to a water fountain. He washed my hands without saying a word. He took a watering can and filled it up. He led me along by his side, knowing exactly where he was going. He let go of me and started to clean a tombstone, their tombstone, the tombstone I was seeing for the first time. I took in every detail: the color of the marble, the calligraphy used to carve their names. Colin had lived for thirty-three years and Clara hadn’t even had the chance to celebrate her sixth birthday. Felix handed me the two roses.
    â€œTalk to them.”
    I put my ridiculous present on the tombstone and fell to my knees.
    â€œWell, my loves . . . forgive me . . . I don’t know what to say to you . . .”
    My voice broke. I buried my face in my hands. I was cold. And hot. I was in pain.
    â€œIt’s so hard. Colin, why did you take Clara with you? You had no right to leave, no right to take her with you. The only thing I hold against you is that you left me all alone. I’m lost. I should have died with you both.”
    I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. I sniffled noisily.
    â€œI just can’t believe you’re never coming back. I spend my whole life waiting for you. Everything is ready for you at home . . . People tell me it isn’t normal. So I’m going away. You remember how you wanted to go to Ireland, Colin, and I said no; I was stupid . . . I’m going to go there for a while. I don’t know where you are, the two of you, but I need you, watch over me, protect me. I love you . . .”
    I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Then I got up with great difficulty; I couldn’t get my balance and my head was spinning; Felix helped me steady myself. We headed