Guilt Read Online Free PDF Page A

another opportunity to get together? Should I lay that opportunity open to him? Or lie and avoid running into him for the next few days? It was a small town, and I couldn't stay cooped up in my parents' home all weekend. I'd go crazy.
    "Ah, I'll be around." I admitted.
    "Oh, that's great." He looked pleased. "If you don't mind – if your not too busy – maybe we could meet up again before you head back to the West Coast?"
    Was I right, or was I right? The coveted chance for closure still loomed over my head. But should I take it? Would it be appropriate? Or had I caused enough emotional turmoil?
    "Sure. Maybe. We'll see." Might as well open myself up for once and leave it to fate, I thought.
    "Great. Here's my number." He pulled a napkin out of his pocket with his cell phone number already on it. Apparently, he had premeditated this. I took it and stuffed it in my purse.
    "Thanks." I turned to open my car door.
    "Can I get yours, too?" He asked as he took over opening the door for me. "In case you lose mine?"
    "Sure." I fished for a pen in my purse, and wrote my number on the back of an old gas station receipt. He stuffed the receipt in his jeans pocket and patted it for good measure.
    "Okay, well," my awkwardness was increasing, "I had a great time. Thank you. I'll talk to you later."
    I intended to dunk into my car, but, at the same time, he bent towards me. The action startled me, and I almost reacted violently, but in the next instant he kissed my cheek. The alarm of the moment left me a little dazed. I smiled because I didn't know what else to do, and got into my car.
    Once again, I had hesitated at a pivotal moment, but this time it was a good thing I did. If I had acted on my instincts, he'd be curled up on the ground the second after he invaded my space, and may have been sporting a broken nose for the next few weeks.
    I drove off, still agitated by the near incident. All those self defense classes should have prepared me for a rapid attack when I inferred an assault was coming. I wasn't sure if I should be more disappointed in myself for wavering, or if I should be relieved that I didn't act on my initial impulse.
    I told myself that I would never let it happen to me again. Up until this point I'd been so diligent. Kain caused me to let my guard down. Part of me felt so angry. But I think an even bigger part of me felt grateful. Kain had the sort of character that I didn't feel the need to guard myself against. By the time our second coffee was finished, my defenses had lowered. Kain was no threat to me, and my instincts backed down.
    Still, Kain was the brother of the boy whose death I caused. That fact alone made any amorous intentions from him impossible for me to accept. I was disappointed that I could even have led him to believe he might have that kind of chance.
    Misled him. I shivered at the familiarity of this train of thought. A similar rationality of my guilt brought me to the very fear of men and romantic relationships that controlled my entire adult life. This realization made my mind reel.
    I never did date much, and had noticed my discomfort around men grow more and more over the years since Corry's death. I didn't want to be responsible for any more heartache, or have a negative effect on any person's life ever again. So, I stayed away from boys.
    I made it through three years of college at the state university without attracting any man's attention. My friends knew there was something wrong with me, but they thought that I was just shy and nervous. If only the issue could have been that simple. I was always hyper-aware of flirting, and afraid that being too nice or giving an undue amount of attention to a guy would give the wrong impression.
    A few years of merciless prodding from my dorm roommate, Tracy, and some persistent endeavors from a guy named Luke finally broke me down. In the spring semester of my junior year I agreed to go on a date.
    Luke and I were both pre-med students, so we ended up